The first girl's wedding - Liyu's

Liyu & Alan & the car - 19th DEC

the sisters

2 tired sisters

Friends!

the sisters @ reception

Us 4

All of us :)

2009's Christmas

the sudden downpour would have taken everyone by surprised. some, like me- more fortunate than others, comfortably arranged on the sofa watching Delivering Suzy.

it came down hard is hurried and the clean, cool scent of the rain and grass mixture is a refreshing morning addition to my breakfast.



Christmas eve was spent merry making with colleagues for brunch and relatives for dinner. My house held the party in the night and there was too much food and too much drinks like it should be. I hope everyone had a good time but i think the children enjoyed themselves the most.. and if i am lucky they liven up the spirits of everyone.

Christmas morning was spent in bed - alone! Around noon time, my mom brought us to visit my grandfather at the temple grounds. then we made a trip to the market to fetch my grandma home. Afternoon, we receive a call that Liyu's mom got stroke... but luckily it was only a false alarm... then the girls and their frens had xmas dinner at Reddot @ Dempsey followed by dessert at B&J. We had nightcap at Starbucks at ECP and it was there and back to home sweet home... the body is tired but the heart is full. :)

So here i am... Boxing day morning and i am in front of the telly... my laptop on my laps... thinking of all the gifts that i have received, delivered in boxes, in bags, in wrappers, gifts i have received sans the wrappings and boxes... thankful for all the good wishes i have lavished on me...

Christmas is a time for family and friends, to be surrounded by people you love and who love you. Merry Christmas to all ....
and for effect, "Ho, Ho, Ho" ... hee hee

feeling blue...

i feel like its going to be a blue christmas... i know that despite my happy face and smiles... i am not truly contented. i dont feel like i am missing a piece... i feel like im not in the puzzle... maybe i am being a drama mama... and just making a mountain out of a molehill but i dun noe... i really dun noe...

anyway... it is time i start with my christmas card writing... already super late... this time... i really have to put more effort into the cards... i mean... one never knows... maybe i have overstayed my welcome and it is time to restart.

Chirstmas ALERT!!! 2

turkey? checked!
Ham? checked!
Stuffing in turkey? checked!
Bone in ham? checked!

ha ha ha....

guests? chec.... huh? what guests?

lol...

presents? Oops, no presents.. hahaha.

just wanted to gather with relatives and enjoy the holiday.

Just writing...

a drug trail of empty capsules,
transparent plastic containers
dented in many places
lay among the table legs
left over 30 nights
they mark the days
in various states
of disarray.

- & -

a blood red rose sat carelessly on the edge
of a dirty white cement ledge
i wasnt sure if it was waiting to take off with the wind
or just enjoying the view ahead

Chirstmas ALERT!!!

:)
Christmas is coming!!!
Got your tree? Bec i got mine :) hee hee...
Cant wait to deck it with the accessories i got from Ikea!
once the rain stop.. then i can transfer it out of the car...
(rub hands in glee)

What am i doing? just drinking coffee...

slurped hungrily, the coffee was,
as i chewed gently on the edge
of my deep green straw.
so lost in my inked reality
i must have deprived many
from a drink at my table.
but my eyes and fingers work together
and the pages, as on their own accord
build the world enclosing me.
as i consume the coffee
the book devoured me
to the last world and period.

the exed-world's most eligible bachelor

gosh.... the world loss it's most eligible bachelor??!!! so typical of him... but at least he brought smiles and laughter to my seriously bleak day...
people ask, does attending weddings make me want to get married... and honestly? nope... but to see two people so happy in love, so together, sure makes me happy and envious (just slightly). hahah... so when am i going to meet my other half huh? i guess... all in good time eh?
what i love the most about the wedding- the church ceremony! it made me smile, made me tear... made me sigh.. all in a good way. i guess it must be the love that shine from their faces, the conviction and commitment of the two of them in what they believe in- the holiness of marriage, their common faith, and of cos their love of each other.

Anemia

Anemia also spelt Anaemia comes from Ancient Greak, meaning - lack of blood... hm... it is a decrease in red blood cells (RBC) or just means that there is less than normal hemogoblin. Since hemogoblin in the RBC carries oxygen from lungs to tissues, it results in a lack of oxygen - Hypoxia.

I also learnt that Anemia is one of the more common blood disorders, and may occur undetected in many... i wonder if that is a good thing or not to me?

Stand up to Cancer

Of truth, time and trust

What is Truth?
- Fact
- Generally upheld acceptance
- That which is real and exists

How do we come to understand Truth?
- It has to be know-able ( meaning ability to be understood)
- It has to undergo rigorous, sound, logical investigations

Am i missing something out? OF COS! because there are tons of written material on Truths and tons of which are incomplete and unfinished discussion... and many many on-going learnings and understanding of Truth.

We know how Truths help us in our daily lives, such as enabling faster, better, more efficient decision making - work, life, friends etc. But how do we identify truths? esp if we do not have the time to test it? Time is afterall, Truth's bestest best pal...

Well, there is this thing called trust... which is huge. because in a situation of a lack of time and resources, it really boils down to this. Trust facilitates truth in my opinion as it makes the unknown and unknow-able true. Does the saying "In God We Trust" ring any bell? It is still the truth, if it could not be proven? YEP.

Seriously, i am not saying Truth is over-rated, i am saying Trust is not given its time of day!

my mother's place

my mother never told me the burdens she carries. how, despite how hard she works she worries that our family does not have enough. she never hints to me how challenging it is to carry her responsibilities as an employee and yet holds on to her values of looking after the family. she always makes it seems so easy, so obtainable, in fact, so part of life that it is possible to be more than wonderwoman.. i mean wonderwoman doesnt have a family, no kids... no husband...

i remember clearly, the interview i had before i was admitted to SMU... there is a question by the panel of interviewers about woman in corporate fields... they asked about how profitable it is for a company to hire women... they asked how profitable it is for a family to sent their daughters to higher learning, and how profitable that is for the country... and i was shocked and appalled that they dare question me on this seemingly 'duh' question! of cos it is profitable, of cos it is valuable, of cos it is an investment, OF COS IT IS WORTH IT...

it is all about equality of the genders, of meritocracy, of not wasting what little talent we (Singaporeans) have and then, some more. But, it is also about economy, it is also about returns and contribution esp. in the corporate arena...

one day... i may have to make a choice... or maybe it would be more accurate to call it a sacrifice, but i will have to face it. like all the women who have came before me and made theirs.

i have a higher calling, one that throughout the history of time has been passed down from mother to daughter. i am tasked to put my family above myself... and i am tasked to put aside my own ambition for the good of my children. this is not something just unique to woman... in fact it is the same for man. The only critical difference is this, in putting family first, man finds greater need to work and excel in their career. sadly, that isnt the case for woman unless of cos, there is no man in the family.

I feel so bad, so freakishly sad... that most women are forced to this corner and had no choice but to give up on 1 or the other. but i also take heart, that there are women out there who can and have managed both. my mother is one... she didnt always have it all... but she has persevered, and she is now greater than wonderwoman. yes, one day, i may have to face this age old question, but i must ensure, that if there is anyway, any other possibility, i would always choose to have the best of both worlds!

But if there is no other alternatives, and it is a choice between work or family, then it is not a choice for me at all.

Having highly educated and productive women in corporate sector is good, the returns on that investment is measurable. But having highly educated and productive women as homemakers, grooming the future leaders that is as good, if not better, would you agree?

Esmee Denters - New Vidz

MUST WATCH!!!
Memories Turn to Dust:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2m2deatJdg

See her live concert here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsqctM169Mc

it poured and poured

the sky opened into a black hole
which did not vacuum but
poured and poured.

i wished for my teddy bear
as the car made light work of
cutting rain into rain-lets.

Stepping out of the shower
with the smell of soap and steam
still clung to my skin.

i took time to burrow into
my thick towel, whist dreaming
to slide between my bed and blankie.

and yet here i am...

Champagne anyone?

Just made a trip to the tailor to get my dress done... dress for one of my closest frens wedding this dec. In champagne... yup... the color of champagne.. light translucent gold-ish color.

And i was intro to this blogsite which sell dresses that i really really like!!!!! anyway... i will add more to my blog side bar under Her Interests when i come across nice ones... hee

oh ya. on a serious note... i think i am paranoid... really SERIOUSLY... my period has been horrendous-long drawing and not the light. light kind... i hear my heartbeat without trying so often i am beginning to think that is normal (is it?)... i have bad headaches at last for 1 full day now and then... haiz... if i do die... i just want to say i will miss ya... if i dont die but get some terrible (touch wood) illness, i rather die... and if it is nothing... and like i say... im just paranoid then you guys can just laugh at me, in fact we can all laugh together...

watever it is... rem, we had fun!

random eye attack

things i see and noted:
1. 2 cats napping with smiles on their faces sheltered from the hot afternoon sun
2. toddlers walk in a fashion so wobblery that it makes you wonder how they do it
3. being there to watch your nieces and nephews grow up is kinda cool
4. the song Hurt by Christina Augulira is super neat!
5. a neighbour paint his/her door a disgusting shade of yellow.

X factor- lucie jones

Really worth to listen

daddy's pain

it must be hard, a daddy's duty... to build a sturdy fortress and then dig a moat so deep and as wide as the longest draw bridge to protect his daughter.... it must be even more painful to watch his daughter grow up in the sheltered castle... and then, many times more to lower the draw bridge and show her the real world... and how that pales in comparison to the world she grew up in...

i cant help but feel upset and angry that the world i am living in is so terrible and worst still... so terribly real.

i know i shouldnt be complaining, oh me, of the princessy-spoiltbrat girl... who manages to grow up with everything her little heart desired. lollies, ring-pops, ribbon and bows, dresses with matching sling bags... pumpkin patch dolls, barbies and dollhouses to go with them all..

But... how painful it is.. to realise so late... that the world i used to grow up in is all make believe...

been thinking...

not a good thing i tell you... me thinking means i am 'lost' yup, yes sirree... almost got knock down by a car.. because i was busy trying to get my thoughts into my iphone... shitteee (seriously). but still... here is a peak into my thoughts for now..

second life... that is what advancement in technology and medicine has given us... when i am 60 or 70.. and still alive... i could (if i am still healthy) be shopping.. having lunches/ dinners with my pals...i could still be traveling... learning a new skill or reading books at the library... sheesh... sounds like now right? minus the work la... of cos.

Grace is getting married.. not this Grace... another Grace :) and i am so glad for her and nigel! :) you guys sure went thr alot... and nigel is so capable... and Grace is even more capable... im sure she will rule over nigel in important things.. hahhaa.. nah, i dun noe about tat la but still... they are a loving couple. which makes it 3, 3 close pals... getting married this year (1st Jan also count la) and then Tian's engagement for her wedding next year... i guess... most people look to 25 -28 as age for marriage... hm... still single and still wondering if i will ever meet the my other half.. sometimes it gets down right depressing... because you have no 1 to turn to... my frens are swell, really but i need my other half... how can i put it to you without sounding desperate and pathetic? i wish i have somebody... somebody who will be with me every step of the way...

A class for the heart

white washed walls,
four in all and students
seated on the marble floor.
that was the study room
of my Saturday class.

the group of us are still on Genesis... sadly i believe J. that we will take till 2010 to finish that chapter... (looking at their + our track record). We learn that in Ch 14 Abram rescues Lot and ch15. God's covenant with Abram..

1. Melchizedek king of Salem is an important figure in the bible but very mysterious... he paves the way for Jesus but where did he come from?
2. Abram rescues Lot despite that he can not lift 1 finger for Lot.
4. God credited Abram as righteous because Abram believe Him
5. Being righteous means you have faith... and "by grace, through faith" only will we be saved... saved from hell?
6. when God seal our pact with him... he walks between 2 parties... (side note: how does that work in a marriage?)

we had a really long discussion on Righteousness.. and even know i feel like i still have questions... (big sigh....)

i think, i have a good idea of what He wants me to do... He wants me to jump... to leap... and i guess to take the plunge blindly... i mean anything else... and it wont be called faith rite? i THINK i know that i have the prerequisite... after all, i am named thus... so now it is my end of the bargain...

please hear my prayer...
Dear God, give me a sign.. if that is not too much to ask for... please give me something to grasp... teach me to put my logic aside, teach me to use my heart to find you instead of my mind. i seat amongst your children... hearing their softly mumbled prayers, said so hurriedly as if there was no time... while i cannot make out what the prayers consist of... i can tell they are sincere and hopeful... in the room, i feel like an alien... like an outsider... yet i can feel their warmth... and i think You were with us that day, in the white washed room... watching over us.. and i know you can hear us... i know you will answer us... wont you?

X factor-

Good day, bad news

a respite from my usual zip to work
i followed the beige sheltered walkways,
cross the sun-baked tiled square
down cement stairs, flanked by grass
overdue for their paid cut.

plugged-in to my ipod which
jutted out from my shallow skirt
pocket, i sang along
in a half-carried way
a tune too upbeat
for the journey.

despite the laptop weight
on my shoulder, my mood
was light and my step- quick,
even in my 2-inch heels.
tapping to the music while
i queued for the bus.

the Singapore Meteorological Station
served individual rainclouds these days
i note the one park at my head..
it wasnt too bad until the storm hit- Cancer,
strike my play mate.

now, is it still a wonder
how beautiful the day was for me?
because i could be laying
on a bed instead
of going to work today.

somedays i am just so terrible

Hah... terrible with people i mean...

my spoken words- misconstrued
my actions- misleading
my ideas- misunderstood
missed, missed, missed.

honestly, you want to know how to manage genYs...
truthfully? even i want to know how to manage myself.

Yes, there are differences... but really... before we address these differences....
i would like to clarify some points:

1. what exactly do you want?
2. if you know what you want, have you communicated this clearly?
3. if you did, are the systems in place to allow us to achieve this?
4. if yes, does the fact that the methods differ affects the end result?
5. if yes, i will make the necessary changes.

why are the steps important? simple.
1. if you dont know what you want... it is not surprising we are all going in all directions
2. if it is not communicated clearly. what may go wrong, will go wrong.
3. if the systems are not in place... you are just telling me a different story
4. if you rather things to be done in a particular method, you have to say so
5. because, you only want to see results right?
or have i mis-understood you since the beginning?

just pissing around...

car accident

shit happens on the expressway....
haiz... the car behind didnt break in time..
crashed into my aunts car...
which i happen to be driving... (double shit)

gosh... when it happened... i was simply stunned.
really, there is no words for that...
like my brain couldnt understand what happened.

sheesh... this better not left any permanent damage/scar to me man.
legs felt like jelly... but better now...
But must thank god for no injuries.

wondering what the future would be - a poem

i wonder some times,
how the future would be.
would it be familiar
or a stranger to me?

whether children still grow up with TV
or maybe the little mini PC?
are teddy bears and dolls still a favorite of little girls
and little boys, their model cars and toy soldiers?

or perhaps, i am too clouded.
i should ask instead-
are there still birds and trees?
and non-domesticated animals to see?

if all this is naught to be
then maybe perhaps it is better like this-
just wondering some times
how the future would be.

STOMPing thr milestones

the matchgirl on the streets, wishing on her matchsticks.. she got her wish but died for it.
- i wonder what is the message of the story....

Some milestones...
1. Played my first round of Rockband, as vocalist and drummer... but on easy mode. hahahah
2. First Anniversary at 3M - 15th Sept
3. Got myPride and Prejudice and Zombies!!! yeah yeah yeah
4. Got my iphone 3gs! cool!
5. Attended first 1-1 bible study over desert.... hahaha
(not in any particular order)

HK in Summer

From Disneyland, HK

From Esprit fitting room, HK

From a coffeehouse, HK

From the Peak, HK

With Love...

on the back of my boarding pass

Airports are such nice places to inspire creativity...

"the sky darkens behind my back and i felt the weight of my lost. my eyes try to hold the tears at bay but i think it they are fighting a losing battle. this break has not been the best, esp. compared to Aussie (the most recent) and Taiwan (some years back). i wish i could push all the blame to my period, or to the terrible weather (it is scorching) or the fact that she had other things on her mind... but really, i should have better control over my emotions, expressions and outburst. i am so sorry if i have caused her to feel bad, guilty or incompetent. my mom, she is Wonder women in the flash i tell you, a mean Diana! nevertheless, counting my blessings (as i should), i included Disneyland HK, Starbucks, the safe environment surrounding me and ALL who made my trip possible."

written on the back of my boarding pass at HK airport.

Going HK with lots of insecurities

Flight to HK 17th Sept dep. at 10:10
Flight back to SG 20th Sept arrive at 23:55

Skye cant meet me in the end... which would mean that i will be traveling alone unless mom takes pity on me hahaha... she will be working on weekdays and having dinner functions at night... which would mean... tat i will have to go shop around on my own...

nothing concrete planned yet... dun think i will have a plan anyway... looking at the time now... sheesh... still packing bag... migod... haha

anyways... wishing myself a safe and fun trip!!! hahah cheers!

mish-mash tuesday

was supposed to take half day... but there is too much stuff to do... so no choice... stay the entire day thr... was supposed to leave on the dot... but still had work after 5-ish.

Too tired to blog seriously... so i will just try to jot down some thoughts that came to me...

1. In life... and in my life time, i will never truly own anything... really... not even my child... even my life.. is not mine... it could be taken away like tat (pretend to snap fingers).

2. When he opens the door for me... i feel that he cares....

3. no matter how it pains me to hear the truth... i am super thankful and glad, she still dishes it to me... thanks Jes :)

4. tmr... i need to do emails, present and just hang on...

Grace saves the world

Spent Saturday night at my 2nd Bible Study class at woodlands... reach home at 11 plus pm and started on my presentation slides for today's meeting. Simply said, today's meeting went alright... not as good as i hope though... haiz. anyway, that is over for now...

Sunday see me waking up early to go for my pilates class at woodlands again... had not a bad lesson but now i am so aching... rushed home after that and continued with the presentation slides... finished at 2am today.... sheesh.

Ok, so those are the mundane stuff... lets go into class proper eh?

Sat's class was on about Abram & Lot parting ways...Genesis Ch 13. and the lessons learnt are:

1. When we come to making decisions, it is good to consult God... what we can understand is really too little. You really dont know what is planned for yourself.
2. Righteousness is really about living by faith and trusting in God as oppose to being law-bidding.
3. Grace saved the world... (hee... i mean, His grace is what will save us all and it is really up to us to take up the offer rite? ... i wonder when i will take up that olive branch..)

the BENEFIT of the doubt

it is call "benefit of the doubt" for a reason... because it is out of goodwill that you explain away someone's bad behavior etc. it is a benefit to someone else... that comes from you. so that means... you are doing some good here rite? that you are being more forgiving and more understanding rite? and thus being a nicer person. so by giving a benefit of the doubt to someone else, you are actually elevating your own status.

Now, we do this often rite? I know i do, and i know this sound egoistic but i am not complimenting myself... i just do a lot of write offs... but even so, there are limits. the shutter comes in when i lose the disillusion about why i am being so nice, it comes down quickly when i realised that the bad behavior isnt the first time... and it comes down hard when i realised that i am no longer the only one suffering...

fool, i am, to be so gullible and trusting... my only excuse is that i honestly believe that men are inherently good and that because i am not all-knowing... i give most a large leeway to fall back on. but really... today is just too much for me to handle... (i had to call you guys, some of you didnt pick up... but some did and i am truly grateful)

i trusted you before i know you, that is my gift to you... but now that i know you, i am sorry to say... i can no longer trust you.

not my last words.. but close?

there are days i cant shake the demons off me. like the last few nights when i live my unconcious hours in a state of unknown fear and confusion. have been having chest pain for 2 days... today... i check my heart rate... and it is racing even when i try to nap...

i dont know what is getting me so crazy but i do know that i am so happy to meet you all. So glad to see you all even if it is only for a short time - Actsman. We were 8, then Paik went MIA... now Shihui seldom join us... so it is 6...

Whatever it is... i am glad i have friends like all of you.. even if i dont deserve you all.. i want you all to know i dun want to lose anymore of you k. Shihui if you see this... pls join us more often k? Paik? are u there, at all?

love.

What's in a name?

really. What is the deal about a name?

What is a name? but a noun?
And what do nouns do? They simply enable more effective communication... and how is that?
imagine talking on the phone with a pal.. and you wan to tell her/him about something that you saw... but there isnt a name for that... you had to describe it thoroughly before she/he maybe able to guess it. imagine, instead of something, a someone... you had to again, describe the person... of cos, this is a simplistic, overly generalised example... but still.. im sure you get it.

but can i convince you that nouns (at least- names) arent as important as you think they are? READ "as important as you think they are" not "are not important". Nouns are a building block of communication - verbal and written... so they are exceedingly important. but only as important as any other building block of communication - verbs, tense etc etc.

but moving away from this standpoint... just how important are names? names of people- meaning Muthu, Ravi, Ahmad, Siti, John, Li Li, Tan Ah Kao etc etc.? i mean, changing names are quite common nowadays... and some have multiple names (English names, Chinese names, Surname, Baptisted names, nick-names, pet-names, even fake names and online names etc etc etc.) if you see the person... even if you dont recall the name... you will still know, who he/she is, how he/she is etc rite? So... in this instance i.e. understanding what the person is like (characteristic, personalities)- names are not important/ useful.

Now, in the same instance... the naming of brands are not as important, because it is the marketing effort that goes into making the name what plays a part... the brand look & feel & sound is like the name... and the marketing effort builds the person.
So, Apple (Mac, ipod etc) could very well be called... erm... Mango... but if marketing/ history/ inventions etc remain the same... the world would be crazy about Mango for all the things we are crazy about Apple.

So, i explained one of my fav parts in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, 1594:

JULIET:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.


And lastly, i drop a point on Religion...
How important are the names Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism?
How important are the names of God, buddha, Allah, gods?
If i drop the names... and describe them in basic terms... what will i find?

It is not about the name... it is about the person.

human problems are the scariest

To some, death may not be scary... but the burning in hell is. But really... maybe it is the fact that you have to burn in hell forever that is more impactful. but maybe... it is more scary to live on... as a human.. with a human's problems...

if one day.. i leave this living...my greatest fear and punishment may be burning in hell forever... but the my greatest happiness will be burning in hell for ever without having problems of humanity like being misunderstood.. like insecurities.. i noe what i am burning in hell for.. and i dont have to doubt that... if i deserve it.. i deserve it, no questions asked... and that is comforting to me.

"Man is dead! the man is dead!!!"

I always thought that it was fine… and that it is normal, it is usual and well accepted world wide. And because it is status quo, it is safe.

What am I talking about? I am talking about living as a shell, a pretty, intricately designed but empty shell. And that is me… living without a cause, living without an aim… living without a purpose… or at least… a purpose solely hinged on Me. Am I a spoilt brat? No.

But i am someone without a core, a heart (im not being cruel) but really, I do not have passion for any cause yet… I do not feel strongly for anything. Is that the illness of my generation? Does that mean it is ok? NO! it is normal but normalcy is not a word I want to associate with.

Apathy, an unusually short word for a problem of unbelievable magnitude… you may think that it is a small thing… compared to the 7 sins but Apathy is more that what it seems. I read somewhere that there was this phenomenon in the 19th Century that God is dead and the author went on to say that in the 20th Century the man is dead. It is not dying is that scary.. now is it? It is what dying means… that is the antonym of dying… which is the- not living, that is scary. And that, in another word… is Apathy.

I mean, lets look at it. The lack of interest precedes the lack of knowledge; I am ignorant because I am not interested in the matter to find out. This means that we have identified a cause to ignorance (let not talk about how I am unable to find out.. because if I am interested… I would be able find a means to find out… that can be hold to be true to most) So… apathy can be tied to ignorance. And ignorance is another huge can of worms. It is a problem… a serious, drop dead serious problem.

Can we cure ignorance? YES.. thats what education’s solving… Can we cure apathy? YES… that is what education is supposed to solve… motivate the mind, ensnare the heart to causes- global, local, universal, niche… whatever the lot.

Well, that all seems nice and cozy… except... what if education… dint do that for me? I mean me, not you, not everyone out there… just me? What if?

"B" is for Boring, "V" is for Victoria Secrets

and that is the story of my life these days. here i am.. at this ungodly hour.. just finish clearing emails. just sent an sms to my pal & colleague that 7am is WAY too early to be fetched to work!!!! sheesh....

Work made me have dinner at ard 10pm... reach home at ard 10.45... caught Victoria Secrets Fashion Show Spring 2009 on TV... and man, that was entertaining... so... here are a few pics i googled.

Which is ur fav? ;)

Lend me your ears, and arms too

forgive me, for my absences
for i fear i cannot write.
my mind is chaotic, my thoughts jumbled
and my heart pumping
in manner which screams
"illness!"

crippled by a throbbing mind,
i stayed home to nurse
but alas my plan went a-weary
and my heart depressed.

A ear, i beg,
and arms for me?
but silence only replied.

To an endless list
of un-answerable questions,
i threw my lot.
how will i know
if this is meant for me?

by me -Obviously... going thr a rough patch

Good times fly, a minute- a butterfly

It is Jes's bday!!! happy 24th girl! may all your wishes come true esp. in work... :)

Mom is back!!! yeah and she bought chocolates and all sorts of neat japanese snacks... hee. i also heard that she bought me some clothes. woo hoo!

Had a super dinner on Friday!!! grilled sea food rox! lobster... lobster... slivate

Had a super dinner on Saturday!!!! Green Monster is the best beer i have tasted!!! hee.... but still.. only manage to finish half a pint... lucky we share... hahaha

So.... i guess tmr (i mean today) i need to go amore... hahaha and do work.. sheesh... good times sure fly.. i noe JLT for how long already? since Sec1... that is 13?... so that would mean i noe them for 11 years already? WOW.... i never want to lose u guys k! long hugz!

side note... a poem i composed on the way home

you used to walk me home,
the voice from my phone.
i never thought much about it
but now i kinda miss it.
if only things did not change,
my life wouldnt be so plain.
now different people walk me home
artists from my earphone.

sin sin sin

super super guilty... for watching TV.. i noe... crazy... but really these days im doing so much stuff at home... work stuff that i dint get to watch tv and today- finally! Feels so so good!!! im planning to hit the bed at 11 latest hahaha... slept at 1 plus for a few days already. sheesh.

Still have work to do but now.. just want to enjoy a little. hee

random

younger

older

but still love pink,
still love to be happy
and still love to be happier!

I believe!

my first BS session

I am nursing an upset stomach as I think of once-upon-a-times to start my entry with… and I am sorry that you guys have to accept this pathetic and miserable starting paragraph… haha

But I really don’t know what to say… should I say how busy I am, this sat? I met my ex today for breakfast, was stood up. So I break the morning fast alone at McDonald. We had starbucks when he arrived. Then I went back home to take some stuff for my meeting with the freelance designer who will be helping me do my Ad for a magazine. Then I went home again to drop my stuff and prepare for my first bible study class. We finish around 7 and I went to my grandma’s place to celebrate her birthday… finally reach home at 12midnight.

I feel so tired… and I know I must quickly finish this entry.

Firstly, lets talk about the fellowship… haha… the cell group that I joined for today is my friend’s. the people are a bunch of down to earth, friendly kind. they are nice people from the onset and I believe good people at the core. Ann is very lucky to have met and known them 

The beginning is awkward because I do not know the songs they sing and without background music… well.. im just not confident you know? But you know, some people sing in a manner that excludes others… and some people sing with voices that encourage other to sing along? Well, theirs is the 2nd kind.

The prayers are short and sweet and most importantly without pomposity. In fact, they aren’t very hard to sit through at all.

Bible study (BS for short…. Erm.. Im not sure why they call it BS but well.. to each his/her own) starts with a reading of the chapters.. Genesis Ch 11 – Ch 12. we took turns…. And we stumbled over the hard to pronounce names and jumbled English but are all readily aided and forgiven. We broke into groups and did summaries of the chapters.. this is something I am still confused over-how they did the summary. Then we formed back and the leaders led the discussion after we reach a consensus of what the summary includes.

It is by no means a quick and dirty discussion of the chapters… there were analysis and references… there were differing view-points and sharing of knowledge gained elsewhere… there was even… looking up of dictionaries (English & Bible).

What I have learnt of Genesis Ch11 &12 is a lot… so I will just state the most impt ones to me here.
1. God gives specific and general orders.
2. God punishes those who do not obey his will.
3. God tests us.
4. God acts in indirect ways.
5. God does not act in a fair manner all the time. (but judges fairly)

I also learnt more about the bible itself… and the big BUT appears…. But I still find that I don’t fit in… it is as if I need to go and start over… to learn first and foremost why I should believe the bible… because if I have undeniable logic of why I should believe the bible… I think… it is a piece of incredibly well written, moving and believable shit (no offence here)!

Lastly, the highlight of the cell group… the comfortable switches from English to Mandarin, from Mandarin to English… the flows of the medium of choice is smooth despite that it is unpredictable… and it like a comfortable and familiar pillow that makes everything seem genuine and well-fitted.

ok... i cant share everything in here... too tired.. and it is too long for most people to finish reading anyway.. loves and nitez.

Side to Ann, thanks for having me... and pls pass my heartfelt thanks to your pals for including me. big hugz

chatting with angels

we chatted for a couple of hours, me and my personal anngel. it really is very precious to me.. the few hours because, angels are busy creatures... haha. but despite the short amount of time and the inappropriate-ness of the place (angels dont hang out at starbucks rite?), we did some serious work!
1. Bible study - Mark 11.24
2. HTHT (heart to heart talk) ;)

our HTHT is about how God judges. this is a topic close to my heart because i often felt misunderstood and mis-judged. i felt that my actions are freely mis-interpreted. and i feel upset about it. of cos, i realise that i contributed to this because after all, my actions are the ones that are being interpreted. however, i didnt expect people to cast judgement so carelessly ya know? and... as people (poor pathetic human beings) who are they (we) to judge? which is why i wanted to know how God judges... Does He/She judges us by our actions/words/intentions or all 3?

Because, because, i really hope my intentions and motives are judge! how i wish i can carve open my skin and body and let others see the whys of my ways, but that is not possible- only God can. All i can do (other than by my actions- which are already mis-interpreted) is to TELL you via words of my reasons for doing the things i do.

people tell me that words are cheap... and that is true. we made them cheap by lying... but they are really, the only things we really own... they are the means of expression our thoughts, feelings etc. words are cheap because people lie.. because people dont mean their words... because we wield them loosely... So, take care with your words, understand that words ARE important and weighty. Dont lie, that will cheapen your words... and be more trusting to others' words (maybe i should take my own advise on this)... you never know, you might be hurting others feelings when they speak the truth.

Hee Hee

Tian made me lovely icons for my work stuff. hugz

must really thank her for the super quick job! so efficient!!! hahaha...

Confused says:

females are fickle creatures. so why is it so tough for me to change my mind? why cant i make a mind change without the emotional upheaval that comes with it? why cant i spare myself the confusion and anarchy? and worse yet, why after all that i still have to deal with the doubts and indecision?

Dreaming

Dreaming- something that I may have dabbled too much in, for my own good. It is different from sleeping, which is something that I feel that I could get better acquainted with all the time. Haha.

Most people wont give dreams a second thought, they think that dreams just a by-product of our actions and thoughts when we are awake, and most likely they are right. But I beg to differ, to throw another angle at it because Dream breathes life into me every night and bring me to the highest peaks and lowest valleys. He shows me the world that I know, as well as worlds yet to be discovered. But these dreams consume me, they hold me down and bound me in tartan. They make me doubt my waking hours’ realism, and believe something else.

-after partaking in too much dreaming... (having a headache today)

the apology

The heart of the matter is that I felt I couldn’t say too much… in fact I couldn’t say at all. And so I neglected my blog and I guess by doing so I neglected you.

as simple as 3,2,1?

I have heard it, a thousand times over, from the mouths of so many, and even from the hearts of a few. Today, I guess I have heard the best yet… how can I not be touched by his sincere and urgent proposal? How can I not look at him and see that he meant every word and believes in it!? I was almost brought to tears by his kindness and kindness because to have cared for me like tat… really there is no reason for that at all.

Oh I more than heard Him, I saw, I still see the wonders and miracles He created! I understood yet there are things I cant seem to reconcile. Oh I know some things are beyond human capability.. and I believe that too. What I do not know is this… why aren’t I running to Him? Why am I rooted to this ground?

friends like these

there was once a little girl who had a big red felt heart. she wore it pinned on one of her puffy sleeves. she was often told by her parents to pin her heart else where, somewhere less easily brushed by others. but she didnt. when she went to school, her heart was often mistreated. And as she grew older, her heart loss its shine, was bent in one area and crooked in another. But still she wore her heart pinned on her sleeves. When she started working, everyone told her to exchange her felt heart with a metal clip one. She didn’t. years later when she was older, someone asked her why was she so adamant. And she said, she had met angels like that.

Have I met angels in my life? Yes, irrefutably so. I have the good fortune of that because, they had saw the felt heart on my sleeves and let me in on their secret. Thank you for being honest, thank you for being caring, thank you all for loving me.

Thank you nolly and looloo… because you both have sacrifice much.

and it was a beautiful wedding

i guess my feelings for weddings have changed- quite drastically too. i rem my teenage years... i was so cynical and dis-beliving of marriages being sacred and holy... thought it was a joke... hah.. but now.. i guess... i must have really matured.. weddings are lovely when well plan... and beautiful when it is built by 2 souls-greatly in love with each other.

Many happy returns to the newlyweds! heaven bless you with great joy and harmony!

things i so want to do!!!!

Get a bloodie new phone! iphone 3GS went out of stock? like wat?!!

Catch Harry, Ron & Hermione!!! its freaking out already and here i am... still not updated!

Finish up my work...
kk... love u guys... and miss ya all much....

btw... attending a wedding dinner this Sat... what should i wear? its a colleague's one.

X to Y

You are born in a time of excess and abundance. Your wishes were my commands. You think the world is at your feet and expects me to bend over backwards for you. You are so full of yourself and maybe this is because you are still young or maybe this is because of your up-bringing. We are so different, it is as if we are separated by more than a decade.

Nevertheless, remember that at work, I call the shots.

i wish for you all....

Maybe I am too persistent, the DISC profiling can attest to that. I am a IS and super low for C. (if you know what that means, good for you, if you don’t… it dun matter that much anyway)

I really really believe that life is what I make of it. And that whenever possible, I should always be in the pursuit of my happiness. Of course, my happiness should not be at the expense of others’ but if they clash, sometimes, maybe, I will have to review it on a case by case basis.

But, my point is that life doesn’t come with its fair share of happiness but we are all endowed to search for it, to fight for it, to grab it by its tail and to keep it close to our hearts!

So, do you know what makes you happy? Not just contented… but to be filled to the brim and overflowing with joy? Have you taken the first steps to find out just what completes you? What lifts you? Have you actively and pro-actively search for such things? Spending time with love ones doesn’t count here because it is more of like a group activity.

They are not big things mind you… they can be the little things in life… for me, they are delicious pieces of tenderloin steak, good books, rare songs, raindrops beating on my body, a peaceful swim, breathtaking natural scenery, stimulating conversations… and there are other things of cos…

I am thankful that I know what makes me happy and would seek them out or activate them when I need some boost in my emotional level. Happiness takes effort… like duh right? I mean it is not a right of birth… it is something that we have to work for, it is something that we have to work at… some times, it is a choice… and we have to make the call TO BE HAPPY!

My dears, I wish you know what makes you happy and do them often… because life is short and really… everyday should be a happy day. And if you have not found what makes you happy… look harder. And if you are unable to do what makes you happy… challenge that!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
- The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

Sorry & Good nite

i know i have been neglecting my blog... duh, quite obvious... so i thought i better find many many things which could explain my absence.

1. i spent Fri & Sat at SAFRA chalet
2. i read Harry Potter & the Half-Blooded prince once more
3. I am reading the Tipping Point
4. Preparing review ppt slides + ECDA
5. Went IKEA and became a friend
6. Fix the chair that i bought from IKEA
7. Dinners out + movies
8. Swam
9. Use my UOB ladies Credit Card (see pt. 5)
10. Thinking up more excuses... lol

But seriously... im really busy.. and despite that i only have 1 pt regarding work in my list (see pt. 4)... the day to day stuff is already overwhelming me...

kk.. my bed is calling me. nitez

to my daughter...

if you ask me how a mother's love is like... i would tell you its like a sister's love, a girlfriend's love... but a lot more protective.

if you ask me how a father's love is like... i... i wouldnt be able to tell you exactly. but imagine the most beautiful love there can ever be for you... and that will be somewhere close to what a father's love is like....

and so... i really really pray i will give you a great daddy... and for you to have a love so incredible and magical, it could make you cry tears of joy... i wish for you to know how it feels to be held in your daddy's arms... to be cherished like a princess, to be prayed for by him, to be protected by him. to be love by him.

because i guess, some parts of me... really really miss that.... and i dun wan you to lose out on it. because there is nothing greater.

so all the guys out there... please be good fathers to your daughters... be a dad!

my 3rd & 4th July 2009

i spent 10pm - 6am on a hard and painful -excuciating painful bicycle seat.. completed slightly under 75 klick in the long night... thats around 75km 75,000m!!!! can u believe it? Definately a highlight of 2009!

my bollocks is so sore and my legs... wobberly.. when i hit the bed, i loss conscious. the next time i woke is close to 5pm!!!! there goes my saturday! shitttteee. but other than the soreness of my thighs, butts and some other parts

but still im super proud of myself for completing the whole ride... because after the stop at jalan kayu... i develop a terrible stomach pain- like gastric kind and almost wanted to call it quits... haha... very thankful for the people who encourage me all the way...

the most impt thing i have learnt? Dont ever do it again!!!!! at least not without training!!!!!!

Pride & Prejudice

Mr Darcy

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." -When asked by Elizabeth on when he first knew he loved her.

In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." -Mr Darcy to Elizabeth

"Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast."

Elizabeth Bennet

"I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me." -Elizabeth to Lady Catherine, when the latter spoke to her regarding Mr Darcy's intentions towards Elizabeth and what Elizabeth's answer would be.

"How despicably have I acted!' she cried. - 'I, who have prided myself on my discernment! - I, who have valued myself on my abilities!" - After reading Mr Darcy's letter

"I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine." - Talking about Mr Darcy

Every disposition of the ground was good; and she looked on the whole scene, the river, the trees scattered on its banks, and the winding of the valley, as far as she could trace it. -When she first saw Pemberley.

Jane Bennet

"It is very often nothing but our own vanity that deceives us. Women fancy admiration means more than it does."

Mary Bennet

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

from my hp's note function 6

my friends, my thoughts are so confused... my heart so unsure... but be assured that i am trying to make sense of what you have shared with me. i hope, you will find it in your hearts and minds to understand my situation... my difficulties... my worries and concerns. and i pray, that you see my innocence and lack of bad intentions. how i wish... you could see into me... and see that i meant no harm, to anyone.

but now... i simply feel ill... feel queasy... maybe it was because lunch was bad, but more likely it is because the lunch conversation is disturbing. (deep breath)

i wont blog about my problems for now... not before i got it sort out at least... but please be patient with me...

here is some stuff i wrote in my hp's note function:

25th June - Have u seen it? the orange tip of the moon?

12th June - The heart of the sun. The heart of the son.

8th June - A stranger to early morning breakfast of buttered bread n milo. i was delightfully charmed by the locals at my neighbouring tables. a circle of vivacious old ladies sharing about their weekend adventure, old couples going about their morning date. man of middle ages indulging in smoke and kopiO. Their eyes lost in the glory of years past.

Photos of Aussie Trip 3 (me)

photograph #24 - A poem

a favorite book,
the photo album
has seen better days.
yet unmistakable it is
the loving care it receives
from tender human hands.

pages as days
maintaining the memories
of the time past and spent.
capturing faces of smiles and tears,
in dark black and white
and even multi-color.

dog-eared and folded
is a well flipped page
and in the centre-
the Mona Lisa of
a photograph
titled "A Perfect Day"

it is smallish
and fuzzy
blurry and faint
a dreamy quality
from watercolor painting
using a very light hand

off centre is
an image of 2
people frozen in
mid-stride and mid smile
against the backdrop
of a spray of warm rain.

clearly of certain
sentimental value
this photo is-
of 2 friends
which made eachother's day
perfect in every way

by me

not cute at all

my faults are many, and included in the long list is clumsiness and carelessness.
They seem harmless enough... but when they come into contact with the human heart... the flunk out big time.

the grace i want to be

i have always secretly wish to be one of those tough cookie... those wonder women who dont easily shed tears... whose heart are not as soft... that is not to say that they are cold hearted or hard hearted... just that they are more, more strong...

i know i am not like that... i cry easily... feel too much for others... even for silly stuff like stories... how many times have i cried of a story book? over movies? even those shows on tv can make me cry... does it really mean that im week? that i am a big softy? haiz... i dun wan to be like that... i wan to be some really strong, independent, tough woman!

lol, i know this must sound a little crazy... but can i choose to be this other grace instead? and how do i go about it? how come the kind of person i want to be is so different from who i really am? i know i have my plus points too... but still... i rather be Wonder Woman...

updates & June babies- Nuan & Ivan

Happy birthday to Zhou Shu Nuan and Ivan Tan Yao Ming!!!! May both of you be happy and healthy all the time... and for life to shower you with super loads of blessings!!!

Elaine's new blog address is updated!

Thanks to JLT for my belated bday gift!!! Can i tell you gals, how much i love the CK watch?!!! haha.... it is black and classy!!! droolz

Actmens will be visiting http://www.davincithegenius.com/ on 27th June!!!! YEAH!

Got Sims3!!!!! cant play yet though...

Uploaded pics for today's gathering on facebook.

Shihui! must promise to call me some time k? and we can go out!!!! big big hug!

stars

have you ever lament that the stars are too bright?
could you ever, say to a star, not to shine so brightly?
because, what do stars do? but shine?

but woe to those, who because of the stars' light lost their way, got misled, got waylaid. and sad are the stars for they watch from their high perch, unable to help in anyway.

it has always been for man to interpret the stars, and the stars to be interpreted.

Guys, meet Cherie!

How do you break the news to your sleeping partnerS that they have to make room for another new addition? gosh.... i dread it... but i have to... painful i know...

Well, i began by placing Cherie on the edge of the bed lightly in a very casual manner... and after some time, when Lindsey and Claire are not watching, shift Cherie a little closer to the center.. a little closer.. a bit more.. and finally...

i squeeze Cherie between Lindsey and Claire! phew... luckily, Lindsey and Claire didnt complain much about having to share my bed... hm... they didnt say anything at all!

but still, "guys, meet Cherie!"

hahahaha... hahahaha... lame... i know. nitez!

Photos of Aussie Trip 2

All products shown are original 3M Post-it brand.

Photos of Aussie Trip 1

Sponsored by 3M PTL and Command. haha

sucking the romance out of me

dad pass me a letter that was addressed to me at dinner time.
a plain white nobody, except for the words- On Government Service.
i was puzzled, these letters are never meant for me, for my brothers maybe.
but the Government could wait, it was first come first serve, and my stomach had already began dinner.
after dinner, i approach the letter gingerly, thinking maybe it was a bomb of sorts.
and it was.
seems to me, i need some help in getting a boyfriend.
seems to me, the Government couldnt wait to step in... geez wheez...
seems to me, getting a boyfriend, married, have kids.. is all part of a plan.
just that it wasnt as much as my plan... as the Government's plan...
haiz... that just sux... makes me feel so NOT want to get a boyfriend, married, have kids.
fortunately or un-fortunately.. dad scoff at the letter... that just makes me want to give him something nice this Papa day.

what i have been up to these days

4popcorns!

3.5popcorns

3popcorns

fear irrationally

a smart man fears rationally, a dumb one- irrationally. Guess which category i fall into (self-deprecating smile)?
i remember when i was around 20, i was waiting for my frens at a shopping mall, we split up to do our own stuff and was supposed to meet up again... but they were no where to be found... i called and called or i must have not have my hp with me... i end up tearing in the middle of the shopping mall.. when they finally showed up... i am a pathetic creature like tat... so old already still behave like tat. haiz. unlike a child, who really dont know.. i cant plead that case, can i? i should have trusted the people around me to come back for me... trusted in my own capability to find them even... but, that really isnt the problem... rationally, yes i could do all that... but irrationally, i fear being left behind... i fear that feeling. as if i was forgotten.

Death, God & Dream

Death, she beckons with one of her pale hands, the one circled by numerous bracelets- thick and thin. she smiles warmly and openly like a true friend (there till and esp. at the end). and beside her, God. and He smiles as warmly and openly and together they welcome me into their arms, and whisper in my ears "Grace, you have come home". and i am at peace.

and if that is not a possibility now.... i know Dream, he can arrange something for me.

when shopping became retail therapy

some days are SO bad... you need a little help to lighten the mood and lighten your pocket... most days.. before u hit the first store... your mood already lighten a little.. but today is not one such day. today i hit 2 stores.. spent over $80 on sportswear i dun noe when i will use... and best of all, still feel shity... big big sigh. skip dinner cause i have no appetite... skip half a cup of good bubble tea because it lost it deliciousness mid-way, skip 4 laps of my walk... because... well just because... simply NO mood. big big sigh again...

... you can stop here ...

God? are you there? can you tell me what wrong with me? why am i being so stubborn? why am i being so blind? i thought it was fine... growing into my own right... i have time, dont i? Jeezs.. did i came out wrong some how? some where? i want to be better! i SO want to better! i so want to do good, and good alone... but why do i end up so cut up inside? so mashed up? so folded? so, so, so... i have so much to tell you... and wish i could see you! bring me to you, let me sit at your feet, scold me, teach me... i dun care if i die... as long as i have you. sheesh, it sound so mushy... but God, you are the only one i know whom i can tell everything to... the only one who will understand. the only one i trust to be there always... no matter what...

sleeping with strangers and dreaming

some nights are difficult, yester-night especially, because my maid's 2 years contract was up and mom change another maid for the family.

When i reach home yesterday after a full day of shopping, it was quite late and so the new maid was already sleeping in my room. So, i slept with stranger in the same room... tsk tsk. my sad life.

anyway, that is not the only bad thing... i had a horrible night because of my bad and disgusting dream! i dreamt that i had to clean up a clogged up toilet bowl and it is just disgusting... the smell!!!! oh man... i was puking in my dream because of the stench and my hands shook so badly and EEEE!!! even thinking about it now is churning my stomach. so i will leave it that that.

my dreams are always so vivid... they scare the living daylights out of me... i seriously do dream in both color and black and white... i also can hold, not just feel and touch, smell (mouth-watering cologne or sewage water) and taste texture as well as sweet, sour, bitterness etc. thats y it is so scary, whatever happens in dreamland is real... until i get up.

thoughts of good things

some times, exceptionally good things happen to you and weirdly, people around you tell you to be wary, to be cautious and maybe even, to throw that perfectly good thing aside. at that point, what do you do?

do you A) question your assessment of the good thing; B) throw it away without second tot; C) brush off your pals' comments; D) do nothing.

Well, im sure the answer is between A and D (that is not to say it consist of B and C... i mean simply the answer would be either A or D or a combination of both). how lucky it would be if it is as simple as a multiple choice question(MCQ). whereby the answer is mutually exclusive? and best of all, non-consequential to the other questions of life?

some times good things happen out of the blue and before you question the gift, you might have to think of the sensitivity of your action. is it wise to stare a gift horse in its mouth? OF COURSE, if you rem. the story of Troy! but would you indirectly be hurting someone else's feelings? And would you also be guilty of a lack of trust? and also are you paying too much attention to what nay-sayers have to corrupt?

i am not saying that you should accept good things blindly. but i SAY, you should know who the good thing came from... eventually what it boils down to is trust. if the people of Troy thought about it... why would their enemy present them with a surrender gift of such magnitude? wont a fruit basket with a white flag suffice (from an enemy)? What i am saying (Troy story aside) is that if you know the bearer of the good thing... know that he/she is not out to get you.... and just wants to share his/her generosity, then smile! accept the good thing that came your way gracefully and pass this act of kindness onwards and outwards!

you humble me

surrounded by pregnant mothers humbles me. their ability to share their body with another life, another soul... their ability to provide for someone else, in the most natural way, as God will it. this supernatural and yet very ordinary part of being a mother shows to the world just how generosity manifest itself to its extreme yet blends in into everyday life. And it is any wonder why mothers are so well respected thr'out the world?

beauty from a car

can you recognize beauty when it stares back at you?

the pattern of the lone leaf making its way into the world
the bed of clouds filling the blue expense
the centrefold tree maintained lovingly by master's hand

Yes i can, and i did... all from the inside of a car.

who went and died on her?

"the procession came to pass and the wakers left. the girl stare hard wondering where she was amidst the black huddling robes and who went and died on her without saying goodbye."

i guess somedays are crafted just solely for you alone. those days you hid under your sheets and find comfort in a sad book. not because the story is any good but because you need to air your tears. nobody came and killed your family, nobody came and steal your food, in fact nobody came to make you feel no good. but you still feel bullied, you still feel upset, you still think that the sun didnt shine as warmly on you.

"hello? wake up your idea!" get your demons out and use a samurai sword on them.. go "kacha, kacha, kacha!" and whack and whack and whack (ok... maybe a hammer or a bat will be a better weapon to go with the action... but using a sword is so much cooler). until either they die a most horrific and horrendous death- full of blood and glore squirting in beautiful 360 degrees.. splintering shards of bones, teeth and nails into non existant corners and spine-curling screams and screeches which belong to too many calafare OR... you got tired, your tears dried up, your nose- a freely flowing tap, your hands weak and your body unable to keep you a-move.

maybe then, you will realise... a sad storybook will do more good in a much faster and cleaner way. have you clean your body, empty the toxins away and make space for more good things to come?

when God comes knocking, She comes with an entourage of Louis Vuitton luggage... Do you have space for all that and Her?

Of secrets, flyer & royce

my friends, even though there may be many things i want to tell you., i have to admit that i have been more selfish these days. dont get me wrong, you guys have been wonderful! but i have changed. i used to be an open book, a quick read but now i find it harder to speak.

maybe it is because i have an accumulating wealth of secrets, maybe because i am too ashamed of my doings. maybe because there are just things i dare not say because of the consequences... whatever it is, just know that i treasure you! and i will try to find a way to let out my feelings and thoughts in proper time.

i hope you had a great day, because i had one.
love.

a balancing act

for pilates today, the instructor made us run thr a balancing act... and man was it tiring! the good thing is that the sauna room is working... so i had a good 10mins of resting... then i head home to change and went out to meet Clara for GSS!

Got 3 tops, replaced my lost goggles and add another nail color to my already exploding collection.... sweet! had a good lunch, an even better dinner and a ride home! so damn sweet!!!

but of cos, everything was sweet and rosy because of Clara.. she was so concerned for me... (i noe many of u guys are too! thanks! xoxoxo)... we talked about our messed up lives. (mine more messed up). she encouraged to cont. shopping, when i didnt see anything i like... and cheered me up with her good nature spirit. we finished at 9 plus i think... amazing... really... my feet are killing me now but it is all worth it! haha

silly girl

she took her pills for lunch and dinner together at supper-time and then went out to run. she ran, then walk, then ran, then walk again, with her ipod, going in circles. she feels so bad... so rotten and all a mess inside, but she couldnt let the nasty things out. she understood why people cut themselves... but she couldnt do it to relief her pain. she looks up at the sky and laments that the stars are not as plentiful as she wishes, and nor as bright. she knows she is blessed but she feels let down. she hates herself for not being better. she is a wreck but she dont know how to recover. she wants to hurt but she dont know how. she wants to vent... but cant even cry. she is just pathetic, this silly girl.

monsters and beasts...

the people i love are monsters and beasts...
they make unreasonable demands and expect me deliver
they say the most hurtful things and expect me to listen
they bring me to the highest peaks and then push me down
they hold parties for me but take my mates away
they teach me to love others then make me hurt them
they make me believe then tell me that it is only a dream

they are my friends, they are my parents, and they say, it is all for my good.
And i believe them...

...But another part of me refuse to give in.

What happen to Goodness?
What happen to Faith?
What happen to Kindness?
What happen to Grace!

asking for small favours

maybe it really is divine intervention that i have some soul lifting music in this low moment of my life... maybe i am just seeing signs all around when there really isnt much to read, but well, it is really my choice isnt it? whether or not i attribute my blessing to some supreme being or just take it for granted.

sometimes i sit stumped (like now). couldn't do anything productive despite the ringing call of work except to pour out my thoughts-all jumbled up. my mind is working, honestly, but it is moving at a speed beyond my mind's comprehension itself... could you understand me? it is like an anti-virus software... just scanning away, before you can pin-point which file or folder it is in... it has already moved on.... how then can i know what is in that particular file or folder, how then to make sense of it?

i feel so uncomfortable... so upsetting, so unbalanced. what did i do wrong? how did my bearing of gifts and good intentions cause this downward spin? is it really kinder to be cruel? should i listen to the fortune cookie? i do feel drained.... so spent emotionally...

i just want to be a rock, a stone, a wood... something which does not feel as much, something more at peace. i wan to obtain that...

can someone teach me how?

grandma's night in

i dont think you will believe me. but i am seriously looking forward to work... to going to the office. i have been cooped up at home, checking my emails whenever i could overcome the effects of my medicine. but most of the time... it is just me being sleepy.

my grandma came over to my place to prepare for tomorrow, when the family will be busy making rice dumplings. so she will be camping with me. i had one of the nicer home cooked dinner for a long time man... but i had to work for it... grandma made me help her prepare 1 dish... had my fingers soak in the bowl for an hour, tying knots haha. but it was worth it.

while my trip was great... i dun think my life now is as rosy... just to say, i am quite confused about some stuff... dun think i can really explain what exactly but... lets just say.. im letting this unfold by itself and being calm about it... because, they really isnt any other more reasonable way.

deep in tots.

heya~

I finally touched down at Changi Airport...hit the bed once i got home and began snoozing... haha. so freaking tired man. anyway... im a little ill.. having cough with flam and blocked nose... hahah... so maybe tomorrow i will be on mc... haiz. kk gtg check my temp. now.

photos will have to wait. just know that Australia is the BOMB!

Day 2 Fremantle & China Town

We had Cicerello's fish & chips for lunch... We shared! :) also, we order colesaw, lemonade and chocolate milkshake!!! the fish and chips are great... the fish better than the chips. we finish the fish in no time at all. but to me, the eating experience is the unforgettable one when compared to the food. you have the sea breeze in your hair, stirring up the oil paper which is use as the plate for our fish & chips.. the seagulls flapping above us and the port/jetty view.... gosh, it just takes my breath away.

We took the CAT bus at Freo... they are cheater bugs! it was way faster to walk... we walk back from Cicerello to Fremantle Market... and then to Fremantle Station at half the time we took for the bus to get there. all we got from Fremantle is a box of strawberries.. hahaha... oh well Fremantle market is a lot smaller than i think... sad. but we didnt go to anywhere else in Fremantle... should we go back again?

Dinner was at China Town of Perth... lots of chinese food there. It is not bad la... but not fantastic also... by this time, i have began to get sick of the water of Perth. It taste FUNNY! in a weird, not good way..anyway, tmr will be super packed day! i cant wait!!!!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments your breath is taken away. And this Aussie trip is definitely going to add lots of "breath taking moments" in my life!