been walking... walked my cousin's dog a few days back... too long, too hard. felt a little bad for it. walked in the park at night by myself... just circling the playground and field.. some times listening to songs (like today) and some times.. just listening to my own thoughts and heart talking. feel happy, sad, disappointed, frustrated, lonely, carefree while i walk... it is very warped but i really do feel all of that while walking...
so many problems plague me... how i wish i could walk them all away. no one really to share my burdens... i tend to share such things only with the one that love me most.. i guess im stupid in that way, dun know how to ask for help...i used to share myself, too much i think to 1 person. now that i no longer have this person... i have so much bottled in me...
I want to climb onto a motorbike and scream into the roar of the engine.. i wan to lie on the grass/pavement and just stare at the stars/sky... i wan to find a bottle and pour my problems into it till it crack.
how i wish i am weaker... weak enough to abuse myself so that i can feel my problems/pain not just recognize their existence.. weak enough to escape in alcohol, weak enough to sought comfort anywhere...will it so bad? huh? huh?
the tears seem to have stop.. the hurt lessened but the void just grows. i have to learn to share myself with more people (i do! if i think that what i have to share is happy news.. but when it is unhappy news... i dont want to burden others because they too are shouldering unhappy news of their love ones) i am sure the void will be filled some day... but i rather i solve it somehow... i do not wan to rely on others to fill my void... i have to fill it myself or turn to higher powers...
let me work out something... give me some time... i will not disappoint you, lord.
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