Part 3 - i like to walk

been walking... walked my cousin's dog a few days back... too long, too hard. felt a little bad for it. walked in the park at night by myself... just circling the playground and field.. some times listening to songs (like today) and some times.. just listening to my own thoughts and heart talking. feel happy, sad, disappointed, frustrated, lonely, carefree while i walk... it is very warped but i really do feel all of that while walking...

so many problems plague me... how i wish i could walk them all away. no one really to share my burdens... i tend to share such things only with the one that love me most.. i guess im stupid in that way, dun know how to ask for help...i used to share myself, too much i think to 1 person. now that i no longer have this person... i have so much bottled in me...

I want to climb onto a motorbike and scream into the roar of the engine.. i wan to lie on the grass/pavement and just stare at the stars/sky... i wan to find a bottle and pour my problems into it till it crack.

how i wish i am weaker... weak enough to abuse myself so that i can feel my problems/pain not just recognize their existence.. weak enough to escape in alcohol, weak enough to sought comfort anywhere...will it so bad? huh? huh?

the tears seem to have stop.. the hurt lessened but the void just grows. i have to learn to share myself with more people (i do! if i think that what i have to share is happy news.. but when it is unhappy news... i dont want to burden others because they too are shouldering unhappy news of their love ones) i am sure the void will be filled some day... but i rather i solve it somehow... i do not wan to rely on others to fill my void... i have to fill it myself or turn to higher powers...

let me work out something... give me some time... i will not disappoint you, lord.

my dear Papa

you may never see this entry ever, but i will still post it. you form my earliest memory, left deep impressions in my tender years and is the weight of my world- even till now.

i will never remember it as clearly as you remembered- my first smile, my first word, my first step, my first soft toy, my first fall, my first cry, my first illness, my first jab, my first wetting of my bed (eeek), my first game with you... and so much more. i guess that is a gift you get for having me... but what i can remember, i will treasure.

i have never laugh so hard for so long now. thank you. today really took the cake! i was laughing so badly on the bed, holding on to the side of my stomach, rolling about, disturbing all the angbaos we spread out on the bed. it is so funny trying to make you see my logic and reasoning... and to make you see the folly of yours. you are so stubborn! LNY is a time of giving not of breaking even! :) (for you at least... for me.. it is the time of the year to save my savings!)

but you are so generous.... your better part shown true, as i knew it will. :) thank you! i know it is difficult for you... money is hard enough to earn and we (your children) spent it so fast! you must find it horrifying to put any sum of money in our hands... muahahaha..

As you have been generous, i will be too... wait for my surprise to you ok? Have faith in your children... they may not be the smartest or best looking but they do love you in their own way.

i know you shave off your moustache for me when it make me cry everytime i see it.. :) bought me unnecessary toys, entertain me in your way, taught me to be a tough cookie (not v successful.. haha), taught me to be an independent thinker and to question common beliefs, feel my pain when i hurt (esp. the china thingy), try to meet my high expectations and cont. to shelter me. (crying badly now)

thank you... you and Ma have been really cool parents. (of cos, you guys can be better.... hahaha but i could be a better daughter too). i may not tell you i love you... my actions might not be enough... but i really really want you to know that... i will love you despite all your faults... i guess i dun noe how not to love you and ma. take good care of your healths k? you guys better live to a ripe old age (minus the illness of course!) just like ah ma....

LNY 2009 - Day 2

random - just love the vid...

anyways... Day 2 was spent at my place... just simple gathering... my parents/uncles/aunts play MJ... as usual... and i donated money in blackjack and MJ too... hahaha... i am a lousy player...i dun get majong man... im too slow... end up always missing to 'pong' or to 'chi'.... how to win like tat you tell me?

Watch Inkheart... not that fantastic....not worth catching it... bleah... anyways.... im so glad to be with my family- cousins!!!! :)

LNY 2009 - Day 1 photos

Em gal, where are you?

Day 2 - rise & shine

in Buddhism, the flower is a symbol of temperance

朝看花开满树红
暮看花落树还空
若将花比人间事
花与人间事一同.

i guess, it really is written in the stars that the relationship was meant to bloom for 5 beautiful years and then to wither. but if it was to be compared to flowers, then it has done its job... because it has bring me happiness and enjoyment while it bloomed.

LNY 2009 - Day 1 sketchy

First stop was to Fo Guang Shan - temple... visit my aunt who is working in the cafe there.
During our visit, we took a fortune reading... i ask about love/relationship... and the reading was spot on! i dun have the fortune with me now... but if i get my hands on it, i will write it out for you guys to see... haha

Second stop was to my mom side of the family...i am so happy to meet my cousins.... tooks lots of photos... play with the younger ones... eat... and eat... and more eating... emmie, how are you? what did you guys do? Miss ya all so much!

Third stop was to my dad side... i have not seen some for them for so long already... but still, it is also kinda nice to just seat around and crap... hahaha... lots to say actually for this part but i will see if i can weave in my thoughts in another entry..

Fourth stop was home... drove my bro back home and also to collect a jacket.. :) feelin good... silly i noe but still :)

Fifth stop was Causeway Point for movie - Wedding Game.... it is "alright la". Funny lor. after the movie, we all got a little crazy and took lots of photos... hahah... maybe facebook will be more illuminating for this.

1st stop of Day 2... home... to bath and bed. zzZZzZzzz

finding Grace

got new nails... classic medi and pedi (french medi and natural color pedi)
got new hair... cut and highlight...red!!! can you imagine?

got new bf... Just Kidding! dun think i wan rush into it (relationship) so quickly after i just got burnt...

chat with a gf today... glad to know things are all fine with her.. (love is a precious thing gal, dun be too careless and rash k?) Hm...

been out these few days... need to keep myself occupied with stuff-any kind... when things quiet down and my mind drift.. it is not difficult to guess where it will drift to. fortunately, my pals are all v accomodating... keeping me close by...

had dinner with my parents-simple steamboat... and i rem.. Man it is hard! why cant i just forget them? arent i the forgetful one? the scatterbrain? why do i have to rem?

when i cant turn to him any more... who then should i turn to?

i saw the christmas card

first... i saw the post-it on my desk... one with your handwriting... and i thought... i will never get to see them again... those little scribbles which looks as if they are made by children... it was instantaneous- the recognition... even when it was half covered by other post-its...

then i saw the christmas card you gave me... it was huge... so it stood out among my files... i read it... re-read to be accurate....because i want to see your words..

fool that i am, because it cause my mascara to run. there is a full page of your feelings for me, then. it has only been so recently... dec 24... but man what a big change... i really cant believe it... i dont know how this change was brought about... why do i feel so hurt? why so sad when i know the future will be better and brighter for me?

am i sad for you? because i realise more clearly than you, what you have lost? how much you have lost? or for me, for us, for what we have lost? i know i lost much... but with the same knowingness, i know i will gain much more...

i cannot say the same for you..i honestly dont know. but i pray to god, you dont get your comeuppance. please make wiser decision next time... and please dont go breaking more hearts... rather, let your heart be the one broken... because it is better not to hurt and harm.

Part 2

the memories are the hardest... they form invisible cobwebs in spaces... that when you walk through them, they activate...

they are sweet and potent, like poison... some people tell me to KIV them... some tell me to destroy them.. but how? they are very much mine... a testament of 5 wonderful years of my life.. but i have to pick up these memories and from there, find the me in what was us. and carry on with my many more 5 years to come...

i feel so much... but i could not write it out... tried so many times to put my emotions into words but i could not even complete a passage... there are still so many open ends not tied...

you guys are really great you know? i was having dinner with Jes, and i told her how lucky i was to have friends like all of you... she took it matter-of-factly... "of course! all your friends have quality one" yes.. so true... i do make friends who are ones in a million... because only such upstanding people can go the distance with me.

Jes... thank you for not complaining about how tired your legs/feet must be... and of course for being my captivated audience...
Nigel (and Grace) thanks for sharing, it really touched me to know that you will open up to me like that and i wish all the very best (better than mine) for your relationship
Clara... thanks for calling me... you are really my pillar
Norman... thanks for being so nice... you already are v nice to began with...thanks for volunteering yours and sean's time (did you ask for permission?)
Sean.. (there you go... special indiv. mention) for making me cry in the middle of orchard mrt station... for keeping me company via sms while my friend is on her way... Sean! Sean! Sean!... that makes your name the most mentioned in this entry :) .. i just reply ur text sms . . .

eyes are closing... the medicine is taking effect... there are so many other people i want to be with because you guys make me feel better...

Skye 你还记得吗？“每一天，我做的第一件事是睡觉” 我好想你。记得我们睡觉前讲的话，那种简单幸福的感觉。你还好吗？要加油喔！要幸福喔。。。


take me away...and let me rest by your side. in the fields and Meadows your sheep roam

Recovering Series 1

(crying terribly as i type this... my towel now ended up becoming my tissue)
my cries are heart-wrenching but soundless... all i can hear is my difficult breathing...
i dun noe how it ended up like this... i didnt mean to cry... but terry made me... his msg made me break down.. but how i do treasure him...

better now... more calm... and so i can let some of my heart out...
thank you my friends and my relatives.... you guys are so nice to me...
Ann gal....i can never say "i love you" more than necessary... you know that. (choke)
Xueli Jie... i APPRECIATE it!
Ron... Thanks for calling... you really made me smile and gave me hope
Yuan Hwa... What can i say? I have made you my friend since i know you (crying already)
Wax... thanks for booking me early... it was sweet of you. really.
Norman and Sean.... you guys are the world's best colleagues.... and friends too.
Tian... big hug back! and thanks for you know wat..
Tyu... tight tight hug!
M.X... thanks...
Clara... oh gal... yes i want to meet you too (crying again)
Jes... for believing in my strength... sheesh... why dun you cut me some slack!
Terry... for making me cry... you deserve it - my everlasting friendship (can be a little too much to handle by the way)

i know all of you feel for me...feel my sadness... and guess at my pain... but dont worry.. you know me... i will survive... i will not let myself be victimize too much... i know im naive... and easily fooled but i am strong too. it may take a couple of days... maybe longer... but as long as i am in all your arms, i know i can keep moving forward.

God? i know i seldom ask... but im asking now... will you hold my hand and lend me your shoulder?

it WAS something good

So this is the official... we broke up...

So...thank you for the good memories... pity about the more beautiful ones to come though.
I am still in shock (that explain the nice words)...

The reason for the breakup was because i am no longer someone special in his heart(roughly translate to i share the place with another gal). Seems like a good reason to break up right? (Everybody say "Yes".)

yup... drained...i think i answered most of you guys' curiosity? the flu medi is kicking in... will zonk out in a few minutes... and i know i will wake up tomorrow dis-oriented but that will be a few days max... and after that... i will be pretty ok... (wait... i mean pretty damn fine!)

So, im sure am looking forward to a happy lunar new year... i mean why not? Life has always been beautiful to me... and it will continue to be so... because I make life beautiful for me.

And you should too.

p.s.: Sisters.... it time to gather round and have some sister time!!!

when good for him is no longer good for us

what happens then?

it is useless to wish that such a senario never happen. So, i guess i just have to accept it and make sure that when that time comes i will do what is good for him. Because, at this point and i think that point in time... that (good for him) will still come before what is good for us.

totally pointless to talk about what is good for me. because that (good for me) is what i make of it. if it does not come into existance, it will be because i did not work for it. and if that does come into existance, well, i deserve it.

i know i stack reason after reason, and excuses and far-fetch stories when i ran out of reasons to convince you not to go. they are negative and gloomy but i hope you can find it in your heart to hear them because they are my insecurities dressed-up.

early?

it must seem a little early to talk about achievements and the yet to be achieves. Too early still, since my birthday (and that is when people get a little more cranky and way too deep to be of any good to themselves) is only arriving in when Feb is half month old.

tell me about your achievements and what you yearn to achieve in your life. tell me what is the best part of achieving. is it the celebration after, and the satisfaction of proving yourself? Or something greater?

tell me, did your satisfaction cause someone's sorrow? No? think deeper.
tell me, did your satisfaction's meaning last longer than a day? a week? a month?

the things in life, we get satisfaction from is sadly very material and all so temperance. taking aside the fact that it is more often than not a cause of someone else's misery, it is still a stumbling block to our minds and heart.

How many of us can see through the webs of deceit wovened by society, thicken by lies massaged by time and human error into values spread from parent to child? how many of us pray at the shrine of merit and think that cleverness is a virtue greater than any other?

sure, smarts and cleverness will bring you greatness, get you far in life and guarantee that you sleep in a bed of wads of cash. but when the party ends, and your friends leave, do they bring along their rubbish? Do they leave you in a cold?

When will people realised that the only thing worth pursuing in life is the better-ment of ones own character and helping other realised that?

is it early? no.
it is most likely late.
when will you achieve it?

It has been a while.

My boyfriend commented that i have been neglecting my blog sphere journal. When he brought that up, i know it was a golden moment - rare and alarming. :) Normally, i will have to drop him verbal nudge when i update to inform him to read. I was busy, really busy. Busy with work. I guess, that covers all and explains all right? :) I know it is a terrible excuse but it is truly the culprit.

Fortunately, work is still refreshing and engaging, my colleagues - a blast! So, despite the hectic schedules and heavy workload.... i am happy. most of the time that is.

my relationship is moving along in a steady matter but slowly... it is a long story, one that i rather tell in cold winter nights to my grandchildren to lull them to sleep... so lets keep our fingers cross on that.

So, as my comeback topic. I would like to plagiarize the subject from my friends- whom i believe are good research grounds... (drum rolls.... )

Branded Goods - Bags esp.
As a working adult (Wow!), (WOW.... sorry, i couldn't get pass that... lol) i have the income to pursue branded goods. For me, the most tempting ones would be bags, but so far... i have not owned any yet (referring to Burberry, Gucci, Agnes B, LV etc etc.). it is not that i am unmoved by these prestigious names and their exquisite designs, but that i have different priorities.
Namely, clearing my debt, signing up for fitness classes, taking up insurances, going for holidays... i have always believe that memories and experiences are more valuable than material goods. Thus, i have been making decisions true to my values. every time i walk by the enticing window displays and hear about people talking about their collection, my hands will itch, i will suddenly feel a strong tug at my heart. But i cant. i will not! Because i have promised to pay back my debts first. And i will stick to that.

I am actually quite happy that i can stick to this. And have for some time now. It makes me feel good to know that i am strong. That i will not give up for something that i believe in without a fight! Rah!

must to quick

Internet connection is down again... highly suspicious since my bro just came home... maybe it works only with 2 comp.s running at a time.. so the 3rd trigger the connection problem.

feeling ill... sickly... rushing to the toilet more and more often... really shity...

kk gtg

New Year Message by me

Jan the first, marks the end of another year-2008. A year which was totally different from the others.... though i am glad that i have again come a full circle.... another new year's day spent with friends (at least in the wee hours)... mom is Genting (somewhere i just came back from)... dad working at the stall... brothers... somewhere else...

we are never a family tightly knitted in physical sense but meters, yards, miles apart do not testify to the strengths/ lack of family bond...

half of 2008 for me was spent away from my family... but i have not felt that my relationship with them changed... i guess this reflects the saying that "blood is thicker than water" and harder to clean off if stained... haha..

i dun noe if i can say the same about my relationship with my bf... that has changed a lot... but now currently, i can say that it was for the best.

Honey, we have undergone, overcame so much... and i think both you and i realised that in the end... it is just about us - the 2 of us... i have laid my heart at your feet... and i have trusted you, eyes opened, eyes closed because isnt that the only way to trust... to not hold back but to leap blindly like how God ask of me. i cannot know (100% know) that you are not lying... are not keeping secrets... that you are not putting the same 100% love, trust etc etc into our relationship... geez im not god... but what i can do is to believe you. and i do.

as the year is over.... so are all my misgivings and distrust.. i definitely will not forget the things that has happened.... they have been cruel and evil but they have all led you and i to a better position and made us that much wiser and stronger... in our character and emotionally.

man cannot put a stop to time... but we sure can make use of it... to not waste it... and that would mean to squeeze it for all its worth... to absorb all we can learn as it flows... for 1 thing... it is the only fair thing in life... that everyone lives in the constrain of time... we do not get extra minutes even if we are some big shot/ rich kid... it is true some of us live longer... and others shorter.... but as we live.... we all have the same number of hours in a day.

and with that, i hope you (my Quek Yi Hui) as well as everyone else.... make the most of the time of your lives.... have a great, productive, OOOOUT OF THIS WORLD 2009!