not my last words.. but close?

there are days i cant shake the demons off me. like the last few nights when i live my unconcious hours in a state of unknown fear and confusion. have been having chest pain for 2 days... today... i check my heart rate... and it is racing even when i try to nap...

i dont know what is getting me so crazy but i do know that i am so happy to meet you all. So glad to see you all even if it is only for a short time - Actsman. We were 8, then Paik went MIA... now Shihui seldom join us... so it is 6...

Whatever it is... i am glad i have friends like all of you.. even if i dont deserve you all.. i want you all to know i dun want to lose anymore of you k. Shihui if you see this... pls join us more often k? Paik? are u there, at all?

love.

What's in a name?

really. What is the deal about a name?

What is a name? but a noun?
And what do nouns do? They simply enable more effective communication... and how is that?
imagine talking on the phone with a pal.. and you wan to tell her/him about something that you saw... but there isnt a name for that... you had to describe it thoroughly before she/he maybe able to guess it. imagine, instead of something, a someone... you had to again, describe the person... of cos, this is a simplistic, overly generalised example... but still.. im sure you get it.

but can i convince you that nouns (at least- names) arent as important as you think they are? READ "as important as you think they are" not "are not important". Nouns are a building block of communication - verbal and written... so they are exceedingly important. but only as important as any other building block of communication - verbs, tense etc etc.

but moving away from this standpoint... just how important are names? names of people- meaning Muthu, Ravi, Ahmad, Siti, John, Li Li, Tan Ah Kao etc etc.? i mean, changing names are quite common nowadays... and some have multiple names (English names, Chinese names, Surname, Baptisted names, nick-names, pet-names, even fake names and online names etc etc etc.) if you see the person... even if you dont recall the name... you will still know, who he/she is, how he/she is etc rite? So... in this instance i.e. understanding what the person is like (characteristic, personalities)- names are not important/ useful.

Now, in the same instance... the naming of brands are not as important, because it is the marketing effort that goes into making the name what plays a part... the brand look & feel & sound is like the name... and the marketing effort builds the person.
So, Apple (Mac, ipod etc) could very well be called... erm... Mango... but if marketing/ history/ inventions etc remain the same... the world would be crazy about Mango for all the things we are crazy about Apple.

So, i explained one of my fav parts in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, 1594:

JULIET:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.


And lastly, i drop a point on Religion...
How important are the names Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism?
How important are the names of God, buddha, Allah, gods?
If i drop the names... and describe them in basic terms... what will i find?

It is not about the name... it is about the person.

human problems are the scariest

To some, death may not be scary... but the burning in hell is. But really... maybe it is the fact that you have to burn in hell forever that is more impactful. but maybe... it is more scary to live on... as a human.. with a human's problems...

if one day.. i leave this living...my greatest fear and punishment may be burning in hell forever... but the my greatest happiness will be burning in hell for ever without having problems of humanity like being misunderstood.. like insecurities.. i noe what i am burning in hell for.. and i dont have to doubt that... if i deserve it.. i deserve it, no questions asked... and that is comforting to me.

"Man is dead! the man is dead!!!"

I always thought that it was fine… and that it is normal, it is usual and well accepted world wide. And because it is status quo, it is safe.

What am I talking about? I am talking about living as a shell, a pretty, intricately designed but empty shell. And that is me… living without a cause, living without an aim… living without a purpose… or at least… a purpose solely hinged on Me. Am I a spoilt brat? No.

But i am someone without a core, a heart (im not being cruel) but really, I do not have passion for any cause yet… I do not feel strongly for anything. Is that the illness of my generation? Does that mean it is ok? NO! it is normal but normalcy is not a word I want to associate with.

Apathy, an unusually short word for a problem of unbelievable magnitude… you may think that it is a small thing… compared to the 7 sins but Apathy is more that what it seems. I read somewhere that there was this phenomenon in the 19th Century that God is dead and the author went on to say that in the 20th Century the man is dead. It is not dying is that scary.. now is it? It is what dying means… that is the antonym of dying… which is the- not living, that is scary. And that, in another word… is Apathy.

I mean, lets look at it. The lack of interest precedes the lack of knowledge; I am ignorant because I am not interested in the matter to find out. This means that we have identified a cause to ignorance (let not talk about how I am unable to find out.. because if I am interested… I would be able find a means to find out… that can be hold to be true to most) So… apathy can be tied to ignorance. And ignorance is another huge can of worms. It is a problem… a serious, drop dead serious problem.

Can we cure ignorance? YES.. thats what education’s solving… Can we cure apathy? YES… that is what education is supposed to solve… motivate the mind, ensnare the heart to causes- global, local, universal, niche… whatever the lot.

Well, that all seems nice and cozy… except... what if education… dint do that for me? I mean me, not you, not everyone out there… just me? What if?

"B" is for Boring, "V" is for Victoria Secrets

and that is the story of my life these days. here i am.. at this ungodly hour.. just finish clearing emails. just sent an sms to my pal & colleague that 7am is WAY too early to be fetched to work!!!! sheesh....

Work made me have dinner at ard 10pm... reach home at ard 10.45... caught Victoria Secrets Fashion Show Spring 2009 on TV... and man, that was entertaining... so... here are a few pics i googled.

Which is ur fav? ;)

Lend me your ears, and arms too

forgive me, for my absences
for i fear i cannot write.
my mind is chaotic, my thoughts jumbled
and my heart pumping
in manner which screams
"illness!"

crippled by a throbbing mind,
i stayed home to nurse
but alas my plan went a-weary
and my heart depressed.

A ear, i beg,
and arms for me?
but silence only replied.

To an endless list
of un-answerable questions,
i threw my lot.
how will i know
if this is meant for me?

by me -Obviously... going thr a rough patch

Good times fly, a minute- a butterfly

It is Jes's bday!!! happy 24th girl! may all your wishes come true esp. in work... :)

Mom is back!!! yeah and she bought chocolates and all sorts of neat japanese snacks... hee. i also heard that she bought me some clothes. woo hoo!

Had a super dinner on Friday!!! grilled sea food rox! lobster... lobster... slivate

Had a super dinner on Saturday!!!! Green Monster is the best beer i have tasted!!! hee.... but still.. only manage to finish half a pint... lucky we share... hahaha

So.... i guess tmr (i mean today) i need to go amore... hahaha and do work.. sheesh... good times sure fly.. i noe JLT for how long already? since Sec1... that is 13?... so that would mean i noe them for 11 years already? WOW.... i never want to lose u guys k! long hugz!

side note... a poem i composed on the way home

you used to walk me home,
the voice from my phone.
i never thought much about it
but now i kinda miss it.
if only things did not change,
my life wouldnt be so plain.
now different people walk me home
artists from my earphone.

sin sin sin

super super guilty... for watching TV.. i noe... crazy... but really these days im doing so much stuff at home... work stuff that i dint get to watch tv and today- finally! Feels so so good!!! im planning to hit the bed at 11 latest hahaha... slept at 1 plus for a few days already. sheesh.

Still have work to do but now.. just want to enjoy a little. hee

random

younger

older

but still love pink,
still love to be happy
and still love to be happier!

I believe!

my first BS session

I am nursing an upset stomach as I think of once-upon-a-times to start my entry with… and I am sorry that you guys have to accept this pathetic and miserable starting paragraph… haha

But I really don’t know what to say… should I say how busy I am, this sat? I met my ex today for breakfast, was stood up. So I break the morning fast alone at McDonald. We had starbucks when he arrived. Then I went back home to take some stuff for my meeting with the freelance designer who will be helping me do my Ad for a magazine. Then I went home again to drop my stuff and prepare for my first bible study class. We finish around 7 and I went to my grandma’s place to celebrate her birthday… finally reach home at 12midnight.

I feel so tired… and I know I must quickly finish this entry.

Firstly, lets talk about the fellowship… haha… the cell group that I joined for today is my friend’s. the people are a bunch of down to earth, friendly kind. they are nice people from the onset and I believe good people at the core. Ann is very lucky to have met and known them 

The beginning is awkward because I do not know the songs they sing and without background music… well.. im just not confident you know? But you know, some people sing in a manner that excludes others… and some people sing with voices that encourage other to sing along? Well, theirs is the 2nd kind.

The prayers are short and sweet and most importantly without pomposity. In fact, they aren’t very hard to sit through at all.

Bible study (BS for short…. Erm.. Im not sure why they call it BS but well.. to each his/her own) starts with a reading of the chapters.. Genesis Ch 11 – Ch 12. we took turns…. And we stumbled over the hard to pronounce names and jumbled English but are all readily aided and forgiven. We broke into groups and did summaries of the chapters.. this is something I am still confused over-how they did the summary. Then we formed back and the leaders led the discussion after we reach a consensus of what the summary includes.

It is by no means a quick and dirty discussion of the chapters… there were analysis and references… there were differing view-points and sharing of knowledge gained elsewhere… there was even… looking up of dictionaries (English & Bible).

What I have learnt of Genesis Ch11 &12 is a lot… so I will just state the most impt ones to me here.
1. God gives specific and general orders.
2. God punishes those who do not obey his will.
3. God tests us.
4. God acts in indirect ways.
5. God does not act in a fair manner all the time. (but judges fairly)

I also learnt more about the bible itself… and the big BUT appears…. But I still find that I don’t fit in… it is as if I need to go and start over… to learn first and foremost why I should believe the bible… because if I have undeniable logic of why I should believe the bible… I think… it is a piece of incredibly well written, moving and believable shit (no offence here)!

Lastly, the highlight of the cell group… the comfortable switches from English to Mandarin, from Mandarin to English… the flows of the medium of choice is smooth despite that it is unpredictable… and it like a comfortable and familiar pillow that makes everything seem genuine and well-fitted.

ok... i cant share everything in here... too tired.. and it is too long for most people to finish reading anyway.. loves and nitez.

Side to Ann, thanks for having me... and pls pass my heartfelt thanks to your pals for including me. big hugz

chatting with angels

we chatted for a couple of hours, me and my personal anngel. it really is very precious to me.. the few hours because, angels are busy creatures... haha. but despite the short amount of time and the inappropriate-ness of the place (angels dont hang out at starbucks rite?), we did some serious work!
1. Bible study - Mark 11.24
2. HTHT (heart to heart talk) ;)

our HTHT is about how God judges. this is a topic close to my heart because i often felt misunderstood and mis-judged. i felt that my actions are freely mis-interpreted. and i feel upset about it. of cos, i realise that i contributed to this because after all, my actions are the ones that are being interpreted. however, i didnt expect people to cast judgement so carelessly ya know? and... as people (poor pathetic human beings) who are they (we) to judge? which is why i wanted to know how God judges... Does He/She judges us by our actions/words/intentions or all 3?

Because, because, i really hope my intentions and motives are judge! how i wish i can carve open my skin and body and let others see the whys of my ways, but that is not possible- only God can. All i can do (other than by my actions- which are already mis-interpreted) is to TELL you via words of my reasons for doing the things i do.

people tell me that words are cheap... and that is true. we made them cheap by lying... but they are really, the only things we really own... they are the means of expression our thoughts, feelings etc. words are cheap because people lie.. because people dont mean their words... because we wield them loosely... So, take care with your words, understand that words ARE important and weighty. Dont lie, that will cheapen your words... and be more trusting to others' words (maybe i should take my own advise on this)... you never know, you might be hurting others feelings when they speak the truth.

Hee Hee