Loving myself

I love myself but I don't think anyone else will except my family.

Little moth.. Beware the flames

Why is it that moths fly towards flames?
Is there an inherent mechanism in beings to run towards trouble despite knowing it lies ahead?

Why is it that even if I know some things are doom to failure I still try so hard? why do I feel like challenging common wisdoms? Is it because I don't believe in them or is it because I think I can be the exception?

Why can't I be contented with my life? What have You laid before me God? What challenges and tasks have you set? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to gain? Can I lay my heart and soul before you and trust in your guidance?

Musing

Some times I think I'm suspended in a thin zone of limbo, easily slipping in and out of it. I would hear a sad song and get really down like the culprit songs Soulmate and Dance with my father. Or I would feel lifted and buoyant by the smiles of young relatives and cousins (who have kept my Sunday really interesting and lighthearted so far).

I think mom really craves the noisiness of children in her life and it is like a not too subtle hint to bring these little children into my life too to get my maternal instincts awake... But it's a tough decision to make.. to enter into a relationship. A huge a gamble and if you know me I am not a gambling man.

It is so much easier to be a bystander but is this living?

where is the peace i seek?

i cant sleep.. to be honest, i know i am bone tired but my mind is still full awake. i know i should go to bed, get myself tucked into my quilt and just let my mind wander and my body relax into slumber but i dont know what is it that is keeping me up writing.

I seriously dont know where my life is going, or maybe it isnt going anywhere. is that what is pulling me away from a peaceful rest? tell me, if i die, will i have peace or is it another battle in the afterlife?

I am so tired but my mind dont seem to be able to rest.

Things I want to do before 30 - updated 2012

Repost: Things I want to do before 30.


(this was a blog entry posted on July 2007. I was 22)



1. Learn to ride a horse (best if i can reach gallop stage)

- Still at trotting stage now

2. Learn to dive & Dive in overseas waters ( malaysia is fine)

- I am certified diver!
3. Tour USA

- not yet... :(

4. Tour EU again ( Venice, France, Italy, Czech R., Scotland, England, etc)

- haiz...

5. Tour Japan

- this needs to be KIVed

6. Visit Cousin in Christchurch, N.Z. (before 25?)

- yup! When I was 25!

7. Learn another language (Spanish?)

- yup. Did it in SMU

8. Add 30 good books to my collection

- Hm... I dint count

9. Be surrounded with the same great pals i have and more

- yesh!

10. Settle down???

- erm... kIV?

11. Tour Ireland --> change to England? I want to see Stonehenge

- not yet...

NEW

12. Catch the Northern Lights for real

13. Visit top dive sites

14. Climb another mountain? whats the name again?

15. Mystery

Where have all my countryman gone?

I feel like i am a stranger in my own country. Seating beside me on both sides are Chinese nationals. Standing in the cabin and filling up half the total number of people are Chinese tourist (I think) and the other half are Philipinos.

Just plug me into a slow song

Just plug me into a slow song, maybe one without lyrics just the melody. Just shut out the noise and clutter of life around me because I need some quiet to breathe. I need a full stop. I need a space. I need commas and all that punctuation.

I need peace. I need tranquility. I need zen.

Happy or unhappy.

I remember you asking.. How happy am I, and I paused before giving you my answer. I said - 9/10 but then when I am unhappy I'm at 1 or 2. You ask me how come but I just said because when I am alright I will push myself to being as happy as I can. And if I am not happy I am just not happy at all. I dun noe if that makes sense but I think it's just that you cant be happy and unhappy at the same time. One will take the front seat and drive your emotions throughout that journey.

My extremely dynamic lfe

I want to throw myself into something! Maybe a rushing rapid or a crushing fall. Just something that will wash away all worries and unhappiness. Sometimes I really wonder what kind of life I have. To have such peaks and lows but it seems that that is exactly my life now.

First breath underwater

There wasn't a peace that I thought will be under the water. The breathing is too loud and the things to remember too much. Can't control my body well enough too so i float up and need help being pulled to the sea bed ( where all the good stuff is happening).

My brain too slow so I won't write more. Will find a better time.

Just want to say to all who prayed for me, thank you! To my buddies (if you guys ever saw this), you made my trip fun! Lets hang out again. To the instructors, u guys really deserve recognition for ur hard work!

What is your pursuit?

What is worth pursuing?
It is riches?
It is health?
Is it fame?
Is it respect?
Is it moral righteousness?
Is it justice?
Is it happiness?
Is it contentment?
Is it inner peace?
Is it for the greater good?
Or maybe nothing is worth pursuing but the living of life to its fullest?

Admiring painting

He painted a glowing moon over the dark stripped sky. And it was masterful, the juxtaposition of lines and circle, light and darkness. Then he wave the stripes away, and the moon hung in a glorified lonely worship.

Are you admiring the same painting as I am?

Thinking too much about food

Think I had a too full dinner.
But it was comforting and taste wonderful.
If only I can stop my mind from wandering and just be glad that I had a delicious dinner.

Cry me a river and life

I finished watching 步步惊心 and I cried so badly I think my heart broke. I wonder if I am crying for something else. Lost love? Maybes?

I am so confused with my life. How I wish I just know what to do with it. I play and some people think it is wasting. I work and some people think it is wasting. I do nothing and everyone think it is wasting. Strike a balance? It will still be wasting. It makes mathematical sense right?

I am going into dreams and maybe in it I can find what I have been looking for my entire life.

The naked baby

My dreams are a patchwork of snipped memories, random pieces of you and me, of good times and bad. And knitted to them are my hopes and fears, my possible futures.

And there is the naked baby I curled up in bed with, the peace and serenity of that moment where time is measured breaths. If only life is like that slow, measured and calming.

It is my fault for having gastric

To continue working despite my hunger... Gosh I'm so hungry now.
Feeling very bad, unwell, uncomfortable and just plain awful.

No revision and test on friday

Salary adjustment- thats what I end up doing when I reach home. Mom had me draft the letter for her company last night.

There goes my revision.

Walking home

I'm glad I live on the surface and not like people in district 13 - making living underground. I like living on the surface because I look up and finds a rich midnight purple blanket, sprinkled by stars.

You know the theory that god is man's projection of himself? Do you think it is like how we see shapes in clouds and made up constellations like Scorpio?

Think I will sleep early today. Maybe when I reach home, at 12am.

Bedtime thoughts

Stares blankly, not sure what to write. Half formed thoughts floating about my head.

Finished the Hunger Games Trilogy and felt that I should re-read again bec there seem to be many hidden messages and perspective or am I thinking too much.

In a climate where people are discussing about the innocences (or lack of) of a girl who sleeps around, public systems seem to be still struggling to serve the tax payers, safety of taking soft drugs and the Olympics 100 days away.. I find myself oscillating between the lows and highs of my life. And sometimes detached and looking on as if its someone else's life.

Not sure if i am making sense... Eyes closing, sandman beckons.

More on stars

Accompanied by stars when I make my way home. They are a gentle reminder that I am never alone when I needed reassurance. And man do I need reassurance some days.

Sometimes by moonlight, sometimes by starlight... And one day by tea-lights I will find the path to you...

Just let me lay down and gaze into the night field of stars. That will be something I will keep forever.

Guilty and upset too.

Made my maid cry because I was chatting in bed with a friend. At first, as she was smsing and talking on the phone I thought she received some dire news and was really concern so I ask her wat is wrong, but it is actually because I was disturbing her sleep.

I feel a little guilty... A little only bec she wakes up only slightly before me. And on average she sleeps longer than me because she is in bed at 10. While sometimes I only leave office by then.

And of cos, my mind balked at the idea that I have to leave my room for a conversation. I can't talk during work and it's only after hours that I can catch up with my friends when they call, of cos I will pick up even if I am preparing to sleep.

Am I too inconsiderate?

At the close of the day

At the close of the day, my world quiets down with only random va varooms to separate the silence, I switch on my iPod and drown myself in the words and melodies. And no matter how bad I feel I can slowly let loose of my own feelings and adsorb the feelings the composer/singer wants to convey.

If one day you faced something so bad you want to take your life, don't. Because life moves on with an alacrity one can't imagine, no matter how good or bad life is or has been. It keeps moving on.

Life is limited yet undeterminable. Time is forever on going. We are living in a dimension measured by time. It always seems that I have forever to live until I have none left. My very precious and exclusive life will one day be nothing. How long I live will always be relative and it will always diminish. So given a very long period of time, my life will mean nothing because it is such a small insignificant part of time.

So no matter what I do in my very important life, it will one day fade into nothing. Just like how my ashes will one day be nothing.

Homelessness

Have you ever been homeless? Fortunately mommy and daddy keep me in a shelter and lavish manor. But I don't know why in my dreams I can so clearly feel the feeling of homelessness when I have never experienced it.

The dream is so negative in so many ways that it gave a really bad aftertaste for the entire day. I really need to not think too much?

Lastly I just want to find peace...

My favorite things

Hug size teddy bears, ribbons everywhere. Flowers like lilies, tulips and sunflowers. Reading, reciting poetry, discussing philosophy, dreaming (good dreams pls).

doorways

i love to go thr arches, doorways, between pillars.. and everytime i do so... i hope and held my breath... that maybe i will be transported to somewhere magical.

i know it is foolish.. but.. some how i wish i am living another life.

Disturb and needy

Disturbed, in a disequilibrium i am seeking an anchor. Seeking shelter, a sanctuary, a personal Eden.

Where is my teddy bear? I need your understanding and tolerance, your generous hug and non-judgemental eyes.

Pancakes and hot coco did not calm my uneasiness. I think I need a bedtime chat with you tonight. And you to watch over me in my troubled sleep.

Seriously random

Listening to 豆浆油条, and I seem to recall my past romance. The beginning always seem so pure and wholesome. So uncomplicated.

Curled up in my plastic chair, I look forward to my coming adventure. How the night will be on my diving trip, surrounded by friends and cousins.. Staring into a star-filled sky, the tired yawns and random laughters.

To friends flying overseas, friends flying to Singapore. I can't wait to catch up with you all! My life is so enriched because of your presence. And one day when you have your own life.. Will I have enough to sustain my need to activities?

On to another Chinese ballad... With the wind blowing at my nape, my hair still cold and wet. I wish life is as breezy as the wind. Light and gentle, caressing..

Have you thought how much of our life is base on facts and how much on faith? Facts being truths that we can prove. Faith being truths that we can't. Because I think most of us think we based more on facts when in reality and careful thought, we live our lives mainly on blind faith.
Do I believe in another world under the sea? Do I believe there are aliens? Do I believe that God exist? Do I believe in the evil? Hell yes! Do I believe in good? Hm... Lol. Sadly, is its a lot harder to believe in good than evil.

If, and that is a big "if"(like it isn't already) life becomes a never ending up slope... And you want to give up. Will you remember that what is important it is who climbed with you and not how much you climbed?

Progressed to blogging on my bed. And all I think of is the delicious thai food that paste a smile on my face.

Thoughts.

Martin Luther said "if I rest, I rust." Sometimes, I feel that way, that my life should be spent in activity till I have none left. Because to be idle is a scary thought.

Someone older and more experienced told me that I shouldn't be playing so much. That I need to grow up and realized that I have alot of responsibilities and obligations to take up. I need to travel less, spent less, play less and make more money and save more for the future.

What future? The world is ending aint it? Yeah I know I sound flippant. It is a cover up, my lack of levity. Trust me, my soul is heavy and I feel like giving up sometimes. If only you understand my untold fears and worries.

Still waters.. What do they say about them? That they run deep? Beware the silent and quiet because they maybe the most dangerous.

Absence makes the heart fonder but out of sight, out of mind. Which is truer?

Can love and fear co-exist?

There is life in space.

How do I know that there is life in space? Because every time I look up into the stars, they answer back!

Those pinheads of light, are peepholes into my soul. and no matter how my soul echo, there is a resounding tremble.

That even if I am alone, I am with friends.

Reach home at 11.15pm

And was pleasantly surprise with the Lao Ban Dou Hua mom bought. :)
It's been a long day but again. Not wasted!

Just updates

Work is challenging. Seriously, i left office at 10.50pm (had dinner at my desk) and I never left that I was wasting time today.

I fell ill again. Haiz. Don't know what the hell is wrong with my body. And I think it won't be long till i become too weak.

Anyways... Let's not bother with the depressing stuff and try some prose.

At the heart, the city beats,
To a military band's running beat.
There is a zealous drive,
A caffeine induced high.
And the pounding of a million feet
All centered round the chairman's seat.
The air is heavy and the shoulder burden;
The eyes are open but bodies vacant.

A little sick

I think I am quite weak. Either that or my previous ailment did not recover fully.

Anyway, I think it is not just my body that is under the weather. My heart is sick too. But that is another story. Everyone of us has a story, it can be of lose, one of gain, one of mayhem, one of betrayal, one of love and joy and happy ever afters. Mine is one of the bleaker themes.

So tired and just need to close my ryes and not think.

Nites and may all ur stories be the good ones.

USS 2012 Feb 15

Some times you feel down.

Just had an amazing dinner with my pals but I still feel out of sorts. It's time like these that make me question my life. But I know better than that right? I know better that sometimes I just need to be strong in my individuality. No one owns me a meal, no one owns me happiness. I make my own happiness! So why is it that some times I feel so far from being happy?

Hopefully, things will get better soon. :)

Weirdly linked thoughts

Have you ever love someone and then have to let him go? Have you ever feel like your heart is breaking but you don't show? Have you ever tell yourself that bad things happen for a reason? Maybe for you to grow?

People say that "Change is the only constant" if only it is so easily to deal with. One only huh? But nope, change is dynamic and that means it is different all the time and we have to deal with it.

The saying goes "hope springs eternal from the breast of man". It's good to be optimistic and hopeful but we need to enjoy what we have now too and not just always looking forward and forgot to be grateful for what we already have now.

Star light star bright

I love the night sky.. With the crescent moon and the sprinkle of stars. In Aussie, Philips island, they are plentiful. So small to our eyes yet so bright and clear. I want to see auroras- the northern lights. I want to experience more than this life.

Bday celebration continues

We went to wild honey for Sunday brunch. Nice pancakes but a little too dense to my taste. Oh see my smiley roasted almond latte!

Then we went for our art jam session at Arteastiq. It was a busy and hard at work 3 hours. Almost didn't finish in time, luckily Tian2 n Liyu helped!

And it was a dinner at TamPopo! Because sushi tei was closed. All in all, another successful and funfilled birthday. Lots of laughter (epic volcano joke) and just doing stuff with girlfriends! Love you guys so much... Dont know what will happen if I lose you all.. Anyways, to many many more birthday celebrations for everyone!

Things I fear

1. To be idle.
2. To lose myself in stupid things
3. To live in regret

Words

Words are light weighted and too easily spun that most people think it is meaningless and cheap.

Then why does it have the power to make you cry, make you hurt, make you laugh, make you love? Why can it written or spoken make you despair, make you strengthen, make you want to live?

Why is it that words-printed, spoken or sung, so enchanting to me?

The last Valentine day of 2012

Spent dinner with great company. Sharing pizza and moscato and we eventually finished the bottle. A first for me... And i didnt get drunk or feel bad :) And luck was shining on me, telling me that 'all's good' though I don't see it yet.

I seriously don't know what my 27th year will bring but I am not writing off laughter, friendships and love? I'm not writing off hurt, pain, injuries, and death? Nothing in life is sure except death and taxes... But what is planned will include diving, travels, more books, cafe trips, roller blading, catch up with love ones and being happy :)

Random thoughts

Bubbles have a way of surfacing despite your best intention of pushing them down and covering them up. And when they do, they burst and become nothing?

I wish i could capture that moment today, when the headlight of a car cast a strong white light on the smoothly paved walkway, and how the large expense of walkway was highlighted by the multitude of small fallen yellow flowers. It was a harsh yet eye catching sight. And I wonder why sometimes people are attracted to such uncomfortable imageries.

Father Time what is it that you are teaching me? By whose yardstick do I measure you? Why do you appear in so many forms? What is your purpose in life?

Cupid, what is it that you are teaching me? Is it biology or chemistry or maybe you are the master painter, wielding a brush over my canvas. Do you sit down with Father Time over coffee and make small talk about me?

I am human. I am glad that I am only human, not a higher, or more nobel beast. Just human. Blood and tears, flesh and nail. And maybe when I die I can be assured that all my mistakes, sorrow and injustices are just a couple of specks of dust, so small they disappear into thin air.

Can't keep my thoughts flowing. Medicine kicked in. Peace. Out.

Thank You for beauty

Walking home when lights have dimmed, something glittered among a tree. Maybe my eyes were tired and playing tricks on me, but no, they are shiny paper cut-outs hanging on that singular tree. And it was beautiful at that eleventh hour for me.

Walking home, crossing quietly filled parking lots, no engines roaring and no warm exhaust brewing.. The skies opened up to stars that my eyes looked their filled but still have more to see. And it was beautiful at that eleventh hour for me.

Walking home to my bed, had a nice warm shower, had a deep scrub, had a comfortable rub of my towel. I lay in bed and marvel at the comforts I have. And it was beautiful at that eleventh hour for me.

-- --
No matter what I lack, I already lack less than others. And if it isn't meant to be mine, You have already provided more than I deserved. And if I require more, I shall ask and wait, for You will deliver. It is a matter of grace and faith.

The mirror?

I keep looking up to it. This celestial mirror which is currently a small shard of what it could be. I don't use it to see myself and yet I am still pulled to it.
It truly reflects and I and all life will be at a lost if it fails.

Quotes

To all the independent women and all those women striving for independence:

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.
- Oscar Wilde quotes

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
- A. A Milne

January

Its seems like a 60 day january this year. So much has happened to filled it up and I am kinda looking forward to it ending soon.

I just want to move on... To feb and then to march and then to who knows what.

Starting work tmr

Many things going on in my head. But I need to not think so much about it and just concentrate on what is real.

Family is real, friends are real. Work is real, real hard. And everything else is hopefully, maybe...

Lunar new year 2012

The lunar new year festival is a time for family, a time to open up our houses to close friends and relatives. It is a time to catch up with people in your life who you don't see or talk to as frequent as you should. And for me, this year is a little more than that.

Maybe I have always been a little apart and on my own, I keep things to myself and don't let myself bond closer with my relatives. Maybe I need to allow myself to open up a bit more to these important people in my life.

This year is my 27th... And it is really pressurizing not to have a partner but I have on good authority to let things progress on it's own and not to worry to much about it.

This year I have a new job... I wonder how that will turn out but I am optimistic about it!

This year there will be changes and I will need family and friends to be supportive.

This year, I hope that I lived it as fully as I can.

This year, I wan my pals to call me up randomly just for meet ups and gatherings.

This year I want to travel.

This year I want to dive.

This year I want to put my family first and myself second.

This year, this year I want to fulfill all that and more.

3rd month!!

... Placement cake :)
Is this the job for me?

Am I too soft? Lack confidence? Too serious? Or is it that I am too content, too happy with routine?

Why do people think and feel so much at the witching hour?

It's goodnight yet goodmorning