a balancing act

for pilates today, the instructor made us run thr a balancing act... and man was it tiring! the good thing is that the sauna room is working... so i had a good 10mins of resting... then i head home to change and went out to meet Clara for GSS!

Got 3 tops, replaced my lost goggles and add another nail color to my already exploding collection.... sweet! had a good lunch, an even better dinner and a ride home! so damn sweet!!!

but of cos, everything was sweet and rosy because of Clara.. she was so concerned for me... (i noe many of u guys are too! thanks! xoxoxo)... we talked about our messed up lives. (mine more messed up). she encouraged to cont. shopping, when i didnt see anything i like... and cheered me up with her good nature spirit. we finished at 9 plus i think... amazing... really... my feet are killing me now but it is all worth it! haha

silly girl

she took her pills for lunch and dinner together at supper-time and then went out to run. she ran, then walk, then ran, then walk again, with her ipod, going in circles. she feels so bad... so rotten and all a mess inside, but she couldnt let the nasty things out. she understood why people cut themselves... but she couldnt do it to relief her pain. she looks up at the sky and laments that the stars are not as plentiful as she wishes, and nor as bright. she knows she is blessed but she feels let down. she hates herself for not being better. she is a wreck but she dont know how to recover. she wants to hurt but she dont know how. she wants to vent... but cant even cry. she is just pathetic, this silly girl.

monsters and beasts...

the people i love are monsters and beasts...
they make unreasonable demands and expect me deliver
they say the most hurtful things and expect me to listen
they bring me to the highest peaks and then push me down
they hold parties for me but take my mates away
they teach me to love others then make me hurt them
they make me believe then tell me that it is only a dream

they are my friends, they are my parents, and they say, it is all for my good.
And i believe them...

...But another part of me refuse to give in.

What happen to Goodness?
What happen to Faith?
What happen to Kindness?
What happen to Grace!

asking for small favours

maybe it really is divine intervention that i have some soul lifting music in this low moment of my life... maybe i am just seeing signs all around when there really isnt much to read, but well, it is really my choice isnt it? whether or not i attribute my blessing to some supreme being or just take it for granted.

sometimes i sit stumped (like now). couldn't do anything productive despite the ringing call of work except to pour out my thoughts-all jumbled up. my mind is working, honestly, but it is moving at a speed beyond my mind's comprehension itself... could you understand me? it is like an anti-virus software... just scanning away, before you can pin-point which file or folder it is in... it has already moved on.... how then can i know what is in that particular file or folder, how then to make sense of it?

i feel so uncomfortable... so upsetting, so unbalanced. what did i do wrong? how did my bearing of gifts and good intentions cause this downward spin? is it really kinder to be cruel? should i listen to the fortune cookie? i do feel drained.... so spent emotionally...

i just want to be a rock, a stone, a wood... something which does not feel as much, something more at peace. i wan to obtain that...

can someone teach me how?

grandma's night in

i dont think you will believe me. but i am seriously looking forward to work... to going to the office. i have been cooped up at home, checking my emails whenever i could overcome the effects of my medicine. but most of the time... it is just me being sleepy.

my grandma came over to my place to prepare for tomorrow, when the family will be busy making rice dumplings. so she will be camping with me. i had one of the nicer home cooked dinner for a long time man... but i had to work for it... grandma made me help her prepare 1 dish... had my fingers soak in the bowl for an hour, tying knots haha. but it was worth it.

while my trip was great... i dun think my life now is as rosy... just to say, i am quite confused about some stuff... dun think i can really explain what exactly but... lets just say.. im letting this unfold by itself and being calm about it... because, they really isnt any other more reasonable way.

deep in tots.