been walking... walked my cousin's dog a few days back... too long, too hard. felt a little bad for it. walked in the park at night by myself... just circling the playground and field.. some times listening to songs (like today) and some times.. just listening to my own thoughts and heart talking. feel happy, sad, disappointed, frustrated, lonely, carefree while i walk... it is very warped but i really do feel all of that while walking...
so many problems plague me... how i wish i could walk them all away. no one really to share my burdens... i tend to share such things only with the one that love me most.. i guess im stupid in that way, dun know how to ask for help...i used to share myself, too much i think to 1 person. now that i no longer have this person... i have so much bottled in me...
I want to climb onto a motorbike and scream into the roar of the engine.. i wan to lie on the grass/pavement and just stare at the stars/sky... i wan to find a bottle and pour my problems into it till it crack.
how i wish i am weaker... weak enough to abuse myself so that i can feel my problems/pain not just recognize their existence.. weak enough to escape in alcohol, weak enough to sought comfort anywhere...will it so bad? huh? huh?
the tears seem to have stop.. the hurt lessened but the void just grows. i have to learn to share myself with more people (i do! if i think that what i have to share is happy news.. but when it is unhappy news... i dont want to burden others because they too are shouldering unhappy news of their love ones) i am sure the void will be filled some day... but i rather i solve it somehow... i do not wan to rely on others to fill my void... i have to fill it myself or turn to higher powers...
let me work out something... give me some time... i will not disappoint you, lord.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
my dear Papa
you may never see this entry ever, but i will still post it. you form my earliest memory, left deep impressions in my tender years and is the weight of my world- even till now.
i will never remember it as clearly as you remembered- my first smile, my first word, my first step, my first soft toy, my first fall, my first cry, my first illness, my first jab, my first wetting of my bed (eeek), my first game with you... and so much more. i guess that is a gift you get for having me... but what i can remember, i will treasure.
i have never laugh so hard for so long now. thank you. today really took the cake! i was laughing so badly on the bed, holding on to the side of my stomach, rolling about, disturbing all the angbaos we spread out on the bed. it is so funny trying to make you see my logic and reasoning... and to make you see the folly of yours. you are so stubborn! LNY is a time of giving not of breaking even! :) (for you at least... for me.. it is the time of the year to save my savings!)
but you are so generous.... your better part shown true, as i knew it will. :) thank you! i know it is difficult for you... money is hard enough to earn and we (your children) spent it so fast! you must find it horrifying to put any sum of money in our hands... muahahaha..
As you have been generous, i will be too... wait for my surprise to you ok? Have faith in your children... they may not be the smartest or best looking but they do love you in their own way.
i know you shave off your moustache for me when it make me cry everytime i see it.. :) bought me unnecessary toys, entertain me in your way, taught me to be a tough cookie (not v successful.. haha), taught me to be an independent thinker and to question common beliefs, feel my pain when i hurt (esp. the china thingy), try to meet my high expectations and cont. to shelter me. (crying badly now)
thank you... you and Ma have been really cool parents. (of cos, you guys can be better.... hahaha but i could be a better daughter too). i may not tell you i love you... my actions might not be enough... but i really really want you to know that... i will love you despite all your faults... i guess i dun noe how not to love you and ma. take good care of your healths k? you guys better live to a ripe old age (minus the illness of course!) just like ah ma....
i will never remember it as clearly as you remembered- my first smile, my first word, my first step, my first soft toy, my first fall, my first cry, my first illness, my first jab, my first wetting of my bed (eeek), my first game with you... and so much more. i guess that is a gift you get for having me... but what i can remember, i will treasure.
i have never laugh so hard for so long now. thank you. today really took the cake! i was laughing so badly on the bed, holding on to the side of my stomach, rolling about, disturbing all the angbaos we spread out on the bed. it is so funny trying to make you see my logic and reasoning... and to make you see the folly of yours. you are so stubborn! LNY is a time of giving not of breaking even! :) (for you at least... for me.. it is the time of the year to save my savings!)
but you are so generous.... your better part shown true, as i knew it will. :) thank you! i know it is difficult for you... money is hard enough to earn and we (your children) spent it so fast! you must find it horrifying to put any sum of money in our hands... muahahaha..
As you have been generous, i will be too... wait for my surprise to you ok? Have faith in your children... they may not be the smartest or best looking but they do love you in their own way.
i know you shave off your moustache for me when it make me cry everytime i see it.. :) bought me unnecessary toys, entertain me in your way, taught me to be a tough cookie (not v successful.. haha), taught me to be an independent thinker and to question common beliefs, feel my pain when i hurt (esp. the china thingy), try to meet my high expectations and cont. to shelter me. (crying badly now)
thank you... you and Ma have been really cool parents. (of cos, you guys can be better.... hahaha but i could be a better daughter too). i may not tell you i love you... my actions might not be enough... but i really really want you to know that... i will love you despite all your faults... i guess i dun noe how not to love you and ma. take good care of your healths k? you guys better live to a ripe old age (minus the illness of course!) just like ah ma....
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
LNY 2009 - Day 2
random - just love the vid...
anyways... Day 2 was spent at my place... just simple gathering... my parents/uncles/aunts play MJ... as usual... and i donated money in blackjack and MJ too... hahaha... i am a lousy player...i dun get majong man... im too slow... end up always missing to 'pong' or to 'chi'.... how to win like tat you tell me?
Watch Inkheart... not that fantastic....not worth catching it... bleah... anyways.... im so glad to be with my family- cousins!!!! :)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
in Buddhism, the flower is a symbol of temperance
朝看花开满树红
暮看花落树还空
若将花比人间事
花与人间事一同.
i guess, it really is written in the stars that the relationship was meant to bloom for 5 beautiful years and then to wither. but if it was to be compared to flowers, then it has done its job... because it has bring me happiness and enjoyment while it bloomed.
暮看花落树还空
若将花比人间事
花与人间事一同.
i guess, it really is written in the stars that the relationship was meant to bloom for 5 beautiful years and then to wither. but if it was to be compared to flowers, then it has done its job... because it has bring me happiness and enjoyment while it bloomed.
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