Loving myself

I love myself but I don't think anyone else will except my family.

Little moth.. Beware the flames

Why is it that moths fly towards flames?
Is there an inherent mechanism in beings to run towards trouble despite knowing it lies ahead?

Why is it that even if I know some things are doom to failure I still try so hard? why do I feel like challenging common wisdoms? Is it because I don't believe in them or is it because I think I can be the exception?

Why can't I be contented with my life? What have You laid before me God? What challenges and tasks have you set? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to gain? Can I lay my heart and soul before you and trust in your guidance?

Musing

Some times I think I'm suspended in a thin zone of limbo, easily slipping in and out of it. I would hear a sad song and get really down like the culprit songs Soulmate and Dance with my father. Or I would feel lifted and buoyant by the smiles of young relatives and cousins (who have kept my Sunday really interesting and lighthearted so far).

I think mom really craves the noisiness of children in her life and it is like a not too subtle hint to bring these little children into my life too to get my maternal instincts awake... But it's a tough decision to make.. to enter into a relationship. A huge a gamble and if you know me I am not a gambling man.

It is so much easier to be a bystander but is this living?

where is the peace i seek?

i cant sleep.. to be honest, i know i am bone tired but my mind is still full awake. i know i should go to bed, get myself tucked into my quilt and just let my mind wander and my body relax into slumber but i dont know what is it that is keeping me up writing.

I seriously dont know where my life is going, or maybe it isnt going anywhere. is that what is pulling me away from a peaceful rest? tell me, if i die, will i have peace or is it another battle in the afterlife?

I am so tired but my mind dont seem to be able to rest.

Things I want to do before 30 - updated 2012

Repost: Things I want to do before 30.


(this was a blog entry posted on July 2007. I was 22)



1. Learn to ride a horse (best if i can reach gallop stage)

- Still at trotting stage now

2. Learn to dive & Dive in overseas waters ( malaysia is fine)

- I am certified diver!
3. Tour USA

- not yet... :(

4. Tour EU again ( Venice, France, Italy, Czech R., Scotland, England, etc)

- haiz...

5. Tour Japan

- this needs to be KIVed

6. Visit Cousin in Christchurch, N.Z. (before 25?)

- yup! When I was 25!

7. Learn another language (Spanish?)

- yup. Did it in SMU

8. Add 30 good books to my collection

- Hm... I dint count

9. Be surrounded with the same great pals i have and more

- yesh!

10. Settle down???

- erm... kIV?

11. Tour Ireland --> change to England? I want to see Stonehenge

- not yet...

NEW

12. Catch the Northern Lights for real

13. Visit top dive sites

14. Climb another mountain? whats the name again?

15. Mystery

Where have all my countryman gone?

I feel like i am a stranger in my own country. Seating beside me on both sides are Chinese nationals. Standing in the cabin and filling up half the total number of people are Chinese tourist (I think) and the other half are Philipinos.

Just plug me into a slow song

Just plug me into a slow song, maybe one without lyrics just the melody. Just shut out the noise and clutter of life around me because I need some quiet to breathe. I need a full stop. I need a space. I need commas and all that punctuation.

I need peace. I need tranquility. I need zen.

Happy or unhappy.

I remember you asking.. How happy am I, and I paused before giving you my answer. I said - 9/10 but then when I am unhappy I'm at 1 or 2. You ask me how come but I just said because when I am alright I will push myself to being as happy as I can. And if I am not happy I am just not happy at all. I dun noe if that makes sense but I think it's just that you cant be happy and unhappy at the same time. One will take the front seat and drive your emotions throughout that journey.

My extremely dynamic lfe

I want to throw myself into something! Maybe a rushing rapid or a crushing fall. Just something that will wash away all worries and unhappiness. Sometimes I really wonder what kind of life I have. To have such peaks and lows but it seems that that is exactly my life now.

First breath underwater

There wasn't a peace that I thought will be under the water. The breathing is too loud and the things to remember too much. Can't control my body well enough too so i float up and need help being pulled to the sea bed ( where all the good stuff is happening).

My brain too slow so I won't write more. Will find a better time.

Just want to say to all who prayed for me, thank you! To my buddies (if you guys ever saw this), you made my trip fun! Lets hang out again. To the instructors, u guys really deserve recognition for ur hard work!

What is your pursuit?

What is worth pursuing?
It is riches?
It is health?
Is it fame?
Is it respect?
Is it moral righteousness?
Is it justice?
Is it happiness?
Is it contentment?
Is it inner peace?
Is it for the greater good?
Or maybe nothing is worth pursuing but the living of life to its fullest?

Admiring painting

He painted a glowing moon over the dark stripped sky. And it was masterful, the juxtaposition of lines and circle, light and darkness. Then he wave the stripes away, and the moon hung in a glorified lonely worship.

Are you admiring the same painting as I am?

Thinking too much about food

Think I had a too full dinner.
But it was comforting and taste wonderful.
If only I can stop my mind from wandering and just be glad that I had a delicious dinner.

Cry me a river and life

I finished watching 步步惊心 and I cried so badly I think my heart broke. I wonder if I am crying for something else. Lost love? Maybes?

I am so confused with my life. How I wish I just know what to do with it. I play and some people think it is wasting. I work and some people think it is wasting. I do nothing and everyone think it is wasting. Strike a balance? It will still be wasting. It makes mathematical sense right?

I am going into dreams and maybe in it I can find what I have been looking for my entire life.

The naked baby

My dreams are a patchwork of snipped memories, random pieces of you and me, of good times and bad. And knitted to them are my hopes and fears, my possible futures.

And there is the naked baby I curled up in bed with, the peace and serenity of that moment where time is measured breaths. If only life is like that slow, measured and calming.

It is my fault for having gastric

To continue working despite my hunger... Gosh I'm so hungry now.
Feeling very bad, unwell, uncomfortable and just plain awful.

No revision and test on friday

Salary adjustment- thats what I end up doing when I reach home. Mom had me draft the letter for her company last night.

There goes my revision.

Walking home

I'm glad I live on the surface and not like people in district 13 - making living underground. I like living on the surface because I look up and finds a rich midnight purple blanket, sprinkled by stars.

You know the theory that god is man's projection of himself? Do you think it is like how we see shapes in clouds and made up constellations like Scorpio?

Think I will sleep early today. Maybe when I reach home, at 12am.

Bedtime thoughts

Stares blankly, not sure what to write. Half formed thoughts floating about my head.

Finished the Hunger Games Trilogy and felt that I should re-read again bec there seem to be many hidden messages and perspective or am I thinking too much.

In a climate where people are discussing about the innocences (or lack of) of a girl who sleeps around, public systems seem to be still struggling to serve the tax payers, safety of taking soft drugs and the Olympics 100 days away.. I find myself oscillating between the lows and highs of my life. And sometimes detached and looking on as if its someone else's life.

Not sure if i am making sense... Eyes closing, sandman beckons.

More on stars

Accompanied by stars when I make my way home. They are a gentle reminder that I am never alone when I needed reassurance. And man do I need reassurance some days.

Sometimes by moonlight, sometimes by starlight... And one day by tea-lights I will find the path to you...

Just let me lay down and gaze into the night field of stars. That will be something I will keep forever.